Pen Leaks

New Day, New Month, New... Thoughts (??)

2011-02-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

It's already been QUITE a day - and I just realized that it was the first day in a new month. It is ALREADY FEBRUARY!?! 2011 is really flying by.

With that said, here are just some RANDOM thoughts that have been consuming my attention:

1. The Storm
If you were ANYWHERE in Austin, TX last night you likely heard "The Storm". No, not the "Quiet Storm" like on the radio - I wish that's what it was. I mean an actual howling winds, stinging rain STORM! It's times like these where I feel I should return to making a concerted effort at watching the news again. At least when I did I was caught up on all things weather related and could've possibly anticipated last night's occurence.

Seriously, we (Austin) went from perfect 70-80 degree weather in the last 2 days... to freezing temps and sleeting rain combined with 60 mph winds!!! AND I HEARD ALL OF IT!! My bed is right against the window and every time the wind whipped I swore my window was going to burst open and my head was going to gauged by falling shards of glass. And just to put some context to this - I am the type of person who can sleep through just about anything! Ask my friends, I've been known to fall asleep anywhere under any circumstance. Despite this fact, rather than getting any decent amount of sleep, from about 3:00am until 6:30am I laid with my eyes closed (still awake mind you) trying not to imagine my window being blown out and my head impaled. And now... I have a crick in my neck the size of California. Awesome.

2. Bad Friend Move
You know those times when you let a friend borrow something important of yours and you entrust them with it because you know you can rely on them. And then you approach that friend later to retrieve said object and come to find that said friend has NO CLUE where it is or what they did with it?? Yeah... you know what's worse... BEING THAT CLUELESS FRIEND!

Yup! I got a message this morning from a dear friend of mine that immediately called me to feeling like a heel. And it's not her fault at all, I'm glad she brought it to my attention because CLEARLY I had considered the matter closed. I just for the life of me can't recall what I did with her Sam's Card!! Yes, people, I lost the keys to the Kingdom that is Sam's! Yeah, that's probably about the equivalent of Charlie finding the Willie Wonka's gold ticket and immediately losing it down a gutter! Sad part is, I remember taking it out of my pocket, placing it on the counter and thinking, "I need to bring this with me to church so i can give it back to Melissa." I just can't recall if that actually happened or not.

And yall, I apologize if this is sounding a bit self-depricating... I tend to get that way when it comes to loosing things so please excuse the rant. But I hate it!! I hate it when I loose my own things, moreover someone else's. I think it directly ties to/reminds me of an early diagnoses of ADD in my childhood. I no longer claim that as a disease in my life, but times like these just remind me of what that was like for me in my youth. Okay... I just unwittingly turned this conversation into a therapy session. Anyway, all that to say I will be going straight home tonight to precede to tear apart my room in search of this little, but significant, plastic square.

3. Auditions: Oh The Antici... pation!
Okay so I just checked casting on one of the shows I auditioned for and... looks like I'm no longer in the running to contend for a part there. Oh well! I still think my audition rocked, but perhaps I'm just too much for the people (Ha)! *Sidenote* This is my sad attempt at masking the fact that I really did hope to get further along in the process. But, in all honesty, I'm fine with the decision all things considered - if it were my part to have, I'd have it! Every stumbling stone becomes a marker of growth and an altar of change. Besides, a lot of these recent auditions have given me a lot of fuel for ones coming. Everyone has their preferences - you never know what one director/casting agent is looking for, so I just have to keep throwing myself out there until I find the one who is looking for ME!!

I will say I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns - I didn't cave on accepting ANY part or being deferred to chorus. It's not that I have a problem with chorus (and that will hopefully be proved a little further down the road), but right now I just have to start being strategic if I really hope for this endeavor to take off! And, lest i forget, I still have one GREAT opportunity lingering in the breeze so... say a prayer and keep your fingers crossed! (I just wish they would make a decision already)

4. Hair Envy/Inspiration!!
I was perusing some reviews of a product I'm using and came across a YouTube video with someone who has now become my Virtual Hair Best Friend!!

Naturally Curly Girls here's the 411 - her YouTube account is taren916 - she's in NYC so she's always rocking some killer styles (and killer clothes/accesories)! She will probably be my alternative to CurlyNikki for a period of time, but I was so inspired and found a lot of her reviews/how-to's very helpful! I plan to implement some very soon!

P.S.: I need to get back to NYC!! *sigh*

Have You Ever. . .

2011-01-06T09:12:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been so been so EXCITED about an opportunity that the ANXIOUSNESS of it all threw you into complete and utter TERROR?!!!

*sigh*

Clearly this has wrought my brain to the point that I have to take a pause in my work day just blog about it!!

This will be brief - at least I think so...brief for me anyway.

Some of my friends know (but many do not) that this weekend I plan to trek to Dallas to audition for Glee! While I am excited because this is something that I've never done before, I'm also extremely nervous because... well... this is something I've NEVER DONE BEFORE!! And despite the many encouragements I've received in the last few days from supporters (thank you all), no amount of cooing is seeming to take away this nervous edge! I told my friend Dimi that I haven't been nervous like this for an audition in a significantly LONG time. I've spent the last few years building a bridge toward being comfortable and assured in what I have to offer amidst my given environment (key phrase: amidst my given environment). I have ramped up on auditioning locally - gotten voice training, taken dance classes, overall built up confidence my ability to perform in front of local directors. I thought auditioning at ZACH for a chorus part in Hairspray was going to be the definitive point of this year - not so anymore.

THIS scares me - for several reasons.

Number 1: I'm auditioning in front of people who know their stuff - who've heard the best AND the worst! Not to say that there aren't talented directors and casting agents who have the same eyes and ears here locally - but, come on, have you HEARD the folks on Glee?! This isn't some regional play ready and willing to embrace any and all who just want to be a part of the local arts scene - this is a NATIONALLY SYNDICATED TELEVISION SHOW! And no matter what confidence I may have had in previous auditions and opportunities, this is a whole other level of expectation. While I do pat myself on the back for even sending in a submission - for whatever reason - everything in me wants to turn tail, cancel the trip, and stay home... where I'm comfortable... in my bubble of familiarity.

Number 2: This isn't just audition between me an 20 people... or 50... or even 100. I'm sure HUNDREDS of folks are going to show up between Saturday and Sunday. The odds of being a stand-out in this setup is decreased significantly! Who's to say that my voice won't be similar to contestant #215?! I've got personality - okay well so does contestant #65, #127, #389, and #402 (catch my drift)!! While any time one goes into an audition you never know what the director/casting agent is looking for or desiring, I have this overweening sense of needing to step up my game - and I'm not even sure how or where to begin with these odds!!

Number 3: In some ways I feel I haven't even broken the mold here - that I haven't gotten my name and voice out in front of enough people, that I haven't done enough preparation, that I haven't even been fully recognized amogst peers and patrons here in Austin to be a worthy contender. Yet, here I stand...about to walk into the lion's den and praying for a miracle. And it's not even so much that I want to get cast on the spot (I'd love that - don't get me wrong), but I just don't want to walk out with egg on my face. I don't want to be that American Idol auditioner who thinks they have what it takes, but walks away being told that maybe they should try being a pastry chef.

I know what's in my heart - I know this is what I love to do, and I know that in order for me to be taken seriously on that next level I have to make the leap of faith from 10 foot base to the 20 foot high trapeze wire! Those dimensions may not make sense, but the point is - I have to start letting my reach exceed my grasp or I'll only ever attain what is easy... and clearly never be satisfied.

As much as this scares me, I'm hoping it's just a first step of many steps in faith. And after the year I had last year - I'm hoping that it all keeps leading to better things ahead. I heard this quote from Joyce Meyer yesterday - she said:

"God uses our circumstances to mature us and push us towards growing up! Think about it, we don't need faith when everything in our life is likeable, comfortable and requires no sacrifice or stretching... we grow in faith when situations arise that go over our heads and we need that faith in God just to help us stand."

Translation:

Now FAITH is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen ~Hebrews 11:1

(isn't that backward-wacky - To have assurance in what you hope for... to be convicted by what you don't see?!)

Now... to reiterate... I AM SCARED of going to this audition...but I am fortunately even more scared of what it would mean for me NOT TO GO. One gets tired of ordinary, and over "familiar" very quickly. It's comfortable, yes, and easy for sure, but to quote Craig Robinson from The Office, you get sick of "Sittin on your biscuit, never havin to risk it."

Clearly I just need to reset my dials off of myself and tune in to the One who is sending me and 'trust in the Lord with all my heart, and not lean on my own understanding..." as because "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion".

I guess to sum things up I'll simply be repeating this verse all day:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:5-7)

Translation:

"God give me peace... God give me peace... God give me peace..."

Hair Envy!!

2010-09-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

So, this is a random post and will probably be one of my most brief posts! So, I was talking with my roommate today by email about hair stuff and I started thinking about some of the natural hair folks I see on occassion who inspire me towards HAIR ENVY!! (Iknow "inspiration" and "envy" don't necessarily coincide, but you know what I mean.)

Thus, I decided that every so often I'm going to post some of the folks out in Hollywood and everywhere who give me hair envy. I know there are natural "sistahs" around me who compliment my hair all the time, which I do appreciate (and let me tell you - it is WORK). But these are the ladies on who's level I'm tryin to get! Enjoy!

THIS WEEK

RACHEL TRUE

(Yall remember her - from The Craft and Half-and-Half?!)

Can you believe this chick is in her 40s?! She may be my ultimate in hair achievement simply because it's the closest to what I could actually (hopefully) achieve!

Oh Rachel, WHAT ARE YOUR SECRETS?! I've searched hi and low for hints at what products you use?Techniques? Style guidance?! NOTHING!! *sigh*

This does, however, remind me that I may need to schedule an appointment for a re-color! That's probably one thing I love about Ms. True - she has NEVER been afraid of bold colors in her hair (bold, yet sensible). Maybe I'll take her pic in for my next color appointment!

More to come!

Second Fiddle (Remix)

2010-08-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

So, I recently posted a blog titled "Second Fiddle" concerning a recent audition experience I had that simply tapped a nerve that ran deeper than the audition itself.

I didn't have any answers when I concluded my "rant" so it ended somewhat unresolved and a little sullen. In all honesty that's how I felt . . . and I was in no place to pretend otherwise. I was hurt, disappointed, beseiged with envy, beside myself with apprehension and berated by my own internal conscience. Truthfully, I was BEing and little bit of a jerk. I'll explain.

Now, clearly, there was a lot going on internally, and this led me to a very intense external dialogue with my Creator on my drive home that evening. I am pretty positive that everyone I passed on the road (through the rain no less) probably thought that I was a basket case and wondering to themselves how I got hold of a vehicle. I mean this was a tears-streaming, snot-dripping (sorry T.M.I.), words-stammering, vision-impairing outpour! I felt a little like this guy:

Not to discredit the state of my condition - the feelings were very raw and the sting of it did catch me unawares - I was truly despondent. But, the question is . . . why? Why would I get so immediately thrown off kilter by something that now seems so minor? It's because I was forced to reckon with all the "unanswered" quetions, thoughts and prayers that were brought to the surface in light of the situation; things that I felt just kept getting swept under the rug. I suppose you could say I reached the peak of my tolerance with the issue of feeling "overlooked" and "undervalued". And of course those thoughts of inadequacy led to thoughts of doubt in regard to what the heck I'm doing/should be doing with my life/time/talent - which has always been plaguing theme in my life.

Fortunately, God is kind enough to take us to the dark recesses of our hearts in order to illuminate us to our true condition - the real issue so-to-speak. Sounds oxymoronic that one would have to go to a dark place to be enlightened, but, when you think about it, if God is light (Psalm 119:105) then wouldn't it stand to reason that they only way we can know where light is present is to be drawn to a place that is void of it? We are aware of light in contrast to being in places that are absent of light! Now here's the real kicker, and what I came to realize as a result of my experience. When we stand in the light for too long, somehow we start to believe that WE are responsible for the illumination that surrounds our lives! It's so easy for pride to creep in and tell us that good things ARE and SHOULD BE happening to us because WE DESERVE THEM; that on some level we will them to be or we've earned them with all our efforts and evaluations. So when the sky isn't blue, the grass isn't green and the birds don't sing - we suddenly take on the perspective that life "isn't fair". So, what is that based on? What we feel we are ENTITLED TO! This was "The Ugly" that I had to look dead in the eye. At the end of the day I stood in the light of His glory so long that I began to attribute it to be my own - and with that came a mounting set of presuppositions I felt I justified to receive. Pride is tricky and subtle like that, which is why I think God often has to gut-check us - so we can know the True Source of our joy and understanding.

This audition process was, in essence, my spiritual T.K.O.

I find it funny, now, because I realize that in this season I've been seeking God in my heart to make some changes concerning the pride that so easily entangles me. I prayed this, fully desiring the change, but not truly realizing what all that would entail. To have pride knocked out of your life, you have to be willing and ready to suffer some blows to the head! I would liken it to suffering "worldly amnesia". You have to get to a point where you've been bludgeoned enough that those old ways of thinking just fall right out of your mentality and you are pretty much forced start over. You HAVE to learn to talk anew, walk anew, think afresh - that is NOT an easy process. I even prayed, at the beginning of this audition, that God would bless me in my efforts and that no matter the outcome I would glorify Him and be satisfied. In hindsight, I realized I was basing that on my preconceived notion of "fairness" and scenarios that I would personally "be okay with". Yeah . . . God doesn't work that way folks. If everything worked within the confines of our comfort, we'd never grow . . . I'D NEVER CHANGE!

A good friend of mine and I had a great discussion recently concerning a wreckless abandon in the pursuit of Christ (which has actually been a COMMON theme all around me lately - MESSAGE!). She referenced an author, Don Miller (love him) in one of her blog posts and he made a remark that really stuck with me. It was regarding the way God chooses to engage our faith by navigating us in and out of the high tides of life:

"In the Bible, God guides people through stories. Stories is how He teaches people about themselves and Himself. He doesn’t get the children of Israel out of Egypt instantly. God drags it out, creates plagues, guides them through positive and negative turns, all to shape their faith."

Being a story-teller myself, and an avid fan of an epic tales, I appreciated this quote and what it articulated. God thrives off of weaving together legends of overcoming obstacle and stories of conquering heroes because He is the Ultimate Champion, and we are made in His image. Yes, we are made in His image, yet marred by the afflictions of this world, and God most desires to mold us back to being image-bearers of His character, nature and build. It is the finished work of Jesus Christ that simultaneously becomes the water we need to make our sullied lives pliable for re-shaping, as well as the oven that will ultimately cement our new form and "bake-in" the design our Creator had always intended for us.

At any rate, a few days contemplation really set things aright with my perspective over all of this.Once again, God use what I was pasionate about to draw my passion back to Him (albeit it a seemingly unusual way). God knows, and realizes that we get that sense of being/feeling overlooked, and as my pastor Morgan Stevens, mentioned in one of his sermons, it is totally a trick of the enemy, because IF we are doing everything UNTO God and not just FOR God (big difference), then in those times we are assured and made secure by the fact that God sees and rewards accordingly and nothing done or decided is ever in vain.

The preceding morning after my "meltdown" I had the JOY and priviledge of reading from Philippians 2, which was the passage that was covered that same sermon by Morgan Stephens called "How To Have a Messiah Complex" (GREAT message - do yourself a favor and give it a listen). I've read the passage before, but this time my eyes and heart were truly open enough to welcome what it had to say:

Philippians 2:1-4; 13-16

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

. . . for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His Good Purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life . . .

God, even when I resist, I'm thankful that you persist and I'm grateful for both your wisdom and molding!

Second Fiddle

2010-07-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

You know, those words never rang more true to me than they do today. And what's funny is I just heard this phrase quoted on Sunday during church service and it immediately caught my attention. Looking back, I think Jesus may have perked up my ears to serve as a warning (or maybe I'm reading too much into it). Anyway, the quote this phrase derives from is by Leonard Bernstein, a famous conductor, when asked what was the hardest instrument to play. This was his response:

"Second fiddle. I can get plenty of first violinists, but to find someone who plays second violin with enthusiasm is difficult. Yet, if no one plays second fiddle, we have no harmony."

So, I heard my pastor quote this Sunday and it struck a nerve just as much then as it is right now. I remembered thinking to myself, "Yup, second fiddle - an instrument I am all too familiar with." I wholeheartedly agreed with the quote, as I often find myself playing that infamous Second Fiddle somewhere along the road of my life and professional journey. Always singing in the background, always waiting in the wings, always on the TIP of the iceberg, but never the top. Yeah... that sort of thing. You see I've had an ongoing battle throughout my life to grasp at that which I believe God has created me to be - a performing artist. This has manifested in variety of roles, but ultimately the stage is my home. Well, in earlier years of my life I learned to become content with being "Second" to others, simply because I believe that I must not be good enough for "First". Through a series of let-downs, "No's" and being overlooked at every turn I came to accept a "secondary" position in life as my station. I was clearly (as it appeared) meant to come alongside someone else's vision or serve as a minor part in someone else's dream. Being in the spotlight was only reserved for the exceptional - so I was content to stand in the shadows.

So recently, I came to a realization that this was deception in the way of me believing that I could never achieve excellence or be recognized for my gifts and talents, that I would never be seen (Geez, I'm crying as I type this because I know what's coming). I started to believe, within myself, that I was good-enough or at least could become good enough by Christ's allowance and my initiative to put the labor behind the passion. I didn't have to relegate myself to the back-burner out of fear or other people's opinions and watch other pots get to boil. I too could be on the front-burners of life, why not?! I know I have been gifted with certain abilities and talents; if they can be cultivated, with God's permission, why couldn't I be a contender!?! This was the attitude I took into my most recent auditioning experience. i was ready, or so I thought, for any outcome and prepared (so I thought) to be content with whatever choice was made.

. . . I thought wrong.

The dilemma I ran into today was this: what if God DOESN'T permit it? What do you do when God says no? Better still, what do you do when God gives what you thought was meant for you to someone you feel isn't as deserving (true or not)? This was the frame of mind in which I found myself this afternoon. And let me tell you, I was steeped in a weighty and bellowing moat of disappointment and in all honesty, a sense of unrequited entitlement. The first words to enter my mind weren't those of praise and thanksgiving - they were those bitter statements of pride that show what was truly rooted in the base of my core all along, "I can't believe I... Jesus, couldn't they see that I... I was so sure that I..." and the ultimate (and my personal favorite), "It's... not...fair." Despite all my attempts to suppress my pride and deny my selfish desire, at the end of the day I still hoped and expected things to go MY WAY. I wasn't truly ready to receive whatever Jesus was ready to place before me. If I was, I probably wouldn't have been so anxiety-ridden this entire week waiting for a decision to be made; hoping that in that passing time the casting directors wouldn't forget ME and all my efforts - all i had done.

So what do you do when something so stirring comes before you. Apparently, if you're me, you sit and re-read what in your mind is clearly an ERROR in judgment over and over until you feel sick to your stomach and then proceed to cry in disbelief at your desk the rest of the afternoon. All the while I'm wondering "What did I do wrong?" Better still, "Why is the world at large against me?! Why can't I move on up like George and Weezy??" I suppose at the heart of the matter there's still a lot of fear in me that despite my attempts I will always remain in the shadows and be no good to anyone. If my talent can't even be utilized or deemed worthy on the small stages of community theater then how could I ever hope to achieve even greater feats?

Will my best ever be good enough?

I'll Stand By You

2010-07-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

The other day I was watching The Office and just thinking to myself how much I love Jim and Pam. I found it funny, however, that when I think back on my favorite couples on film, they are usually the quirky, odd and not easily attainable pairings. I found this especially ironic given that when I think about myself and the relationship I'm waiting to have happen I want the story to be anything but difficult and painstaking. Yet, on film these have produced some of the most entertaining, endearing and memorable couples! They would be the ones that we would say had "something real".

Jim and Pam

I figured I'd start here, since these were the two who initiated my pondering. I've watched The Office COUNTLESS times (Season 5 is due to join my DVD collection any day now) and I am all too familiar with the Jim and Pam saga. However, unlike certain other TV couples who grow old or fizzle out upon getting together, I really enjoy watching the evolution of their relationship (even now that theyr are married with a baby). But, I particularly love viewing Jim's pursuit of Pam's heart. Now, I've never experienced an office relationship - and quite honestly I wouldn't condone it... to close to home (look how Jim and Karen turned out). Given that, I have it was so sweet enigmatic how they could take a very public space and somehow turn it into their own little private world of inside jokes, arm grazes, and goo-goo eyes. You would think that we were "Peeping Toms" at their bedroom window! Seeing the certainty of Jim's love for Pam pitted against the reality of their present situation... and then seeing that reality overcome by the truth remains etched in my heart... they belonged together! And they're so darn cute!

Katie and Joshua

Now this may seem out of place, but I had to include them. Katie and Joshua were my ALL-TIME FAVORITE dance duo in SYTYCD history (including the present season). Every week I watched with anticipation and nail-biting anxiety, "Will this be the week that it all falls apart. Will this be the moment they loose that 'thing' that makes them so electric?!" I was NEVER disappointed. They were even my favorite individual guy and girl dancer (yes... more than Twitch and even Will * gasp *) because they had so much heart, passion and DOGGONE IT their chemistry was ON! Look at Joshua, this isn't a dude you would think could tear up a Samba or any ballroom routine, but man did prove the world wrong! The world, and I, fell in love with them on their "No Air" routine and from start to finish they came strong leaving Joshua the Season 4 victor and Katie even got awarded the top femal dancer of the season (which I have yet to see happen since). Get down babies!

Monica and Chandler

So... I love Friends... almost as much as I love The Office. So of course I had to elect a couple from this sitcom into the mix. Now, I know the "BIG THING" with was the "Ross and Rachel" drama. But you know where my heart was? With Chandler and Monica! Even before they were a perceived couple you could ALWAYS see traces of adoration and fondness that they had toward one another. Go back and watch seasons 1-4 (the beginning of their relationship came just st the end of 4) and you'll see similar flirtations, jokes, and a special thread that wove the two of them together. Even when Monica swore she'd never go for Chandler (which I always believed was a front). They were great friends, odd-ball and mishapen in every way (Monica with her OCD and former fat days and Chandler with his life phobias and relational challenges brought on by a childhood nullified by a drag queen father and detached mother). But their idosyncracies drew them closer (that and a little alcohol), and having seen the worst in each other outrightly they were able to seek the best in one another clandestinely.

Sidney and Dre

Bet you thought I wasn't gonna post any Black folks, huh?! Well ha! FOOLED YOU! Okay, anyone who knows me knows my love for this movie (and if you don't know, now you know). This is distinctly because I LOVE SIDNEY AND DRE! (and it doesn't hurt that Dre is played by the handsome Taye Diggs... lucky Idina Menzel) This was on par with my former favorite Jules and Michael from My best Friend's Wedding - however, unlike the less fortunate Jules, Sidney got her man in the end! What I enjoy with these two (besides the copious amount of sexual tension between the two) is the way they always found their way back to one another with a simple phrase or moment (as depicted in the picture above). Now, was it always... umm... morally sound... no. I mean, homeboy was married and emotionally unfaithful before Reese actually physically cheated (which usually happens opposite - girl emotional strays and the guy cheats). Fortunately, I'm not Jesus so I'll let it slide for all intents and purposes.

Tianna and Navine

Did you really think I wasn't going to include my new favorite Disney movie couple just because they're... CARTOONS?! I'm enamored with this pair because I see myself when I see Tianna. Not just because we both have difficult to manage tresses (sheesh), but because I see a girl so involved with the pursuit of a dream who suddenly found that the actualization of that dream was just on the other side of love (and a man). I gotta say, I wasn't exactly thrilled with that part for the sheer fact that if this is any indication of my story, it may be a while before I see any of my dreams come true (dangit)! As Natasha Bedingfield says, "...the rest is still un written."

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

In hindsight, I really didn't need to add this Dynamic Duo, but come on... it's MR. and MRS. SMITH!! They are a pair of "smokin' aces" (and I'm not just referring to the barrells of their guns)!! Yeah Yeah Yeah, they're assassins, blah blah blah! They were clutch and to me summed up the whole of a great marriage, "Two individuals who are joined and find that they are better together than they could ever be apart."

And did you see that steamy Tango?! Who doesn't want one of those moments in their marriage!?!

The Bookstore

2010-06-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

In keeping with my latest blog theme (and because I needed to kill time), last night I made a trip to Barnes & Noble to hang around and check out the lastest in written entertainment. I had about 30 minutes to spare before I was to meet up with some friends to see the new Karate Kid movie at Alamo Drafthouse

(Sidenote: It was actually a great movie and Jaden Smith has a bright future ahead of him - but that's another blog).

Anyway, I like to make the occassional trip to the bookstore and not always because I want to purchase new reading material. Sometimes, it's a great place to sit and think; other times a place to generate ideas. Today, it was a mild point of anxiety - here's why. In going to bookstores over the years I have been simultaneously overwhelmed and inspired by this environment. I walk in and see rows and stacks of novels and collections both classic and contemporary; authors varying in tone, depth and subject and at times it can be a place where I feel at home - peaceful is you will. Not today.

Since I wasn't there for any particular reason I just mulled around from section to section just to see what was new, popular, discounted, etc. I saw that Chelsea Lately has not one, but TWO books out right now?! I haven't really found myself to be a big fan of books written by comedians; I occassionally pick them up in the store out of curiousity, but never more than that. I perused some of the other best-sellers up for grabs and there was nothing that really stood out to me personally so I moved on. I check out some of the classic literature that's on display - some books that I've read or was forced to read in grade school.

(Sidenote: Is anyone else bothered by English grammar in that Read (present-tense) and Read (past-tense) are spelled EXACTLY THE SAME?!!)

By the time I had reached the "Bargain Books" section I was suddenly struck by the chilling reality of just how many publshed works are out there! Numerous authors abounded with various stories from a variety of vantage points - pop culture, women's lib, historical, romance, relgious, self-empowerment, sex, lies, scandal... the list goes on and on. I'm standing in the midst of this and a single thought comes to mind, "Where would I fit in?" This is the anxiety end of the spectrum that comes of my trips to these literary havens. I looked around and became acutely atuned to the nagging awareness that I have yet to discover my "voice" as an author. I've yet to produce a single work of... well... ANYTHING in regard to writing (Blogs don't count). I'm constantly going back and forth on whether I'll write fiction or non-fiction... novels or plays... religious or secular... (and so on). Often I have to reject the notion that I'm not to be a writer at all - that I don't have a story or anything on consequence to share with the world... today was one of those days.

In recent years, I will say that I have become less and less PLAGUED by my inability to produce a written work. I determined that it can't be forced and I HOPE and BELIEVE that when the time comes for me to write, so will the story. I left the bookstore re-affirming myself and my gift as a writer by recalling this truth. Another reminder that helped me be assured in this WHAT this future work will be and whether or not it will matter came from a quote I actually use in my email signature. It's a lovely quote from C.S. Lewis, and though I can barely read any of the books written by this man (save a few exceptions like The Screwtape Letter and The Chronicles of Narnia), I accredit him to be a brilliant scholar on life and poet in detailing how we're meant to live it. Anyway, the quote goes as follows:

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original. Whereas, if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."

Have you ever been plagued by the pressure of being "original"?

What are your feelings/thoughts on what you feel destined to do and where you are in the process right now?

Gettin Vulnerable -- 10/11/07

2010-06-13T19:44:00.000-07:00

So, I just turned 25, right? Thank God for another year of life!! So lately, I've been haunted by some "words of wisdom" (or perhaps caution) that some older friends of mine had impressed upon me. I was informed that supposedly around this age one starts to get "the itch". Y'all know what I'm talkin about. That... weird contemplation or the occasional random thoughts that run across your mind. Thoughts like, "Hmm... sure would be nice to be in a relationship," or, "Gee,. I wonder what it will be like to be married some day."

So for those of you who know me, I'm single... and I LOVE IT!! Why? Well for one, for so many years my life (in regard to relationships) has been caught in the cross-hairs of high expectations and underwhelming realities. Some of you may not know the whole story, but in a nutshell, I've spent way too much time trying to "create" a relationship that obviously wasn't meant for me to have... and I did it again... and again. The sad part is, none of them were EVER serious or committed or even acknowledged in any way. Pretty much boiled down to wishful thinking.

I came to realize that I wasted so much of my time as a single adult trying to get out of being single that I was never really able to enjoy the beauty it. I used to hear all the time how these are the years you'll never get back... that there's freedom and joy in singleness! Of course all I heard was "blah blah blah". But now, it's really not so blah, in fact, it's AMAZING! I mean when I sat down and actually thought about it, it was so true. When else in my life am I going to be able to just pick up my keys and go? When else in my life am I going to be able to call up all my best girls and guys and go kick it somewhere without having to check in with someone?? And when the heck else am I going to have permission to be utterly focused on me?!?! Not to say I'm self-centered, but in all honesty, once a boyfriend/husband and kids become involved you really won't have as much time as you'd like to devote to the things you hold in esteem.

Right now, I can pray and ask God about the things concerning my life; I can have intimate time with God and not have to worry about dividing my attention or intimacy between Him, and my husband and my children. I can pursue my passions and my dreams with reckless abandon and no one to hold me back BUT ME! I can travel, I can have my own space, I clean up nobody's mess but my own... LIFE IS GOOD!!

Here's where it's all coming undone. I used to be so - I don't want to say opposed... unconcerned with dating and marriage and all that comes with it. All of a sudden, I'm catching myself looking at engagement rings? I'm wondering what I'll look like when I'm pregnant? I'm trying to determine how soon I should try to start getting serious about staying in great shape because, "Who knows, he may be right around the corner?" IT'S INSANE! Why do I all of a sudden care about these things... things that once-upon-a-time I wouldn't have given a second thought. I was talking to my grandma tonight and I telling her about my roomie's upcoming wedding and she says, "So when are you going to get married?" Normally, my response would be, "Why's it always got be about that... maybe I'm happy being single and want to stay that way for a while!" But, today it was a simple, "I don't know, hopefully soon, but we'll just have to wait and see. When it happens, it'll happen."

I don't know when it will happen, I don't know how or who and I'm certainly not trying to find it all out. I decided - with all of this swirling around in my head - not to go too far to the left or to the right. I won't act as though I never want to be married and would be better of single forever; in turn, I'm not going to start visiting bridal shops and making plans for a future that hasn't arrived and isn't even foreseeable. I'm just going to look at this as another opportunity to trust that God has my back on this and that there had to be some reason He made tireless efforts for 25 years to keep me guarded and as untainted by the spoils of bad relationships as He could (though I fought defiantly thinking I knew best; And boy did He let me have it! I just insisted on having my heart broken... *sigh* oh well that's the past).

All in all, perhaps I will continue to be visited by more of these off-the-cuff thoughts concerning matters such as what kind of diamond ring would look best on my finger, or how good-looking will the man at my side end up being. Call it what you will, be it age, "subliminal" preparation, or the everlasting whipping boy of the onset of marital and maternal instincts - the biological clock - at the end of the day, I know in my heart God is looking out for me and fashioning together the BEST... what I have been waiting on and should have more patiently and graciously waited for all along.

I know the man of my dreams is coming, this I am certain of. However, there are also other facets of my dreams that need not be negated or ignored; bigger stories playing out that manage to lead me right to Him; a stories that reveal matters of the heart such as courage, wisdom, strength, friendship, and the ongoing pursuit of passion!

So for now... that's where I choose to abide.

Just Because -- 11/25/06

2010-06-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying it's been a LOOOOOOONG time since I've been on here. Obviously I'm not a regular anymore. For those of you who know I'm an avid and regular blog reader, do not feel put off because I haven't read/commented on your latest blogs... I've got a lot of catchin up to do.

Well. just because I'm on here waiting for some pictures to load I figured I'd write a "brief" synopsis of my Thanksgiving break... just for you!

Day 1 - Thursday
I'm making my way towards Houston (Spring for all you nit-pickers), and I realize I have bird crap all over my car. I decided to rectify the situation (rather than have my father pitch a fit about my car keeping skills) by stopping at a car wash along the way for a quick 30 min. "Suds Down". Upon getting there I realize I have no change. But hey, that's alright because they have the change machine, right? WRONG! Well, it was there, but it wasn't in in service, so what good does that do me?! Forced to move my car from the busy ports and go to the gas station next door, I go inside and ask the attendant politely for change $5 in quarters and she curtly says she can only give change up to $3... blah! I know I'll need more than that * sigh *so I regress to the car port and whoa... the line of cars has EXPLODED! **IDEA! ** There's an instant wash right next door... I'll just roll through there! Oh wait... line! LINE LINE LINE! Knowing that I can't sit there and wait (because I promised my mom I'd help her get everything ready) I leave the car wash... disappointed and dirty (the car that is).

Long, long drive... but some good conversation with my equally travel weary sister Alexis who is riding the bus to Houston with my gabby Granny! Start receiving the MASS TM's from friends around the globe wishing me and mine a Happy Thanksgiving. I decide this year I will not send one myself having realized that it can appear a tad bit trite... and annoying. I decide, rather, to call or return a personalized response to those I received messages from later that evening once I had spent time with my family. While driving I made multiple attempts to stop at a McDonald's and catch a breakfast sandwich and a hasbrown and some pretty strong coffee!! Unbeknownst to me, every friggin McDonald's from Elgin to Brenham was packed!! I made my final attempt in Giddings for some sausage suculancy... but to no avail. No breakfast for me.

I arrive in Spring... hungry... and ready to feast! Only to find my mother freaking out on everyone about how no one came early to help her cook and everything probably tastes HORRIBLE! (her words not mine). Apparently, this year neither I nor my sisters, more importantly my mom's mother (gabby granny) could make it before Thursday and my Dad was focused on perfecting the meat portions of our meal. We all rush in to help with last minute sides and bring some peace of mind to my mentally-departed mother.

EAT EAT EAT! FINALLY! Grubbin on good eats, mom did a surprisingly decent job for her pretty-much-first Thanksgiving meal flying solo. Afterwards, we all sit to watch a movie... family tradition. It was this weirdo "scary" movie called Slither... it was rather stupid honestly. It was about these killer alien slugs that turn people into zombies! After watching this I contend that anyone with Netflicks, after a certain point, will pretty much rent ANYTHING to make their membership worth having. *sigh*

Friday morning, Mom scares the mess out of me as she stands, fully dressed at 4am, around the corner from the bathroom. I remember that she made us promise to go with her to the BIG Wal-Mart sale at 5am... it was 4:15. She insists if I'm going to throw on some jeans and roll out and that she wasn't waiting for my sisters because she already tried to wake them up. So I quickly change. Having had a near coronary, I found myself unable to go back to sleep. We arrive at Wal-Mart at 4:30. my mother rushes in compelling me to understand that she must be able to retrieve this $10 Easy Bake Oven; to which I reply that if she dragged me out of bed at 4am for a kids cookie oven I would be SORELY upset. So here's what I came to understand... unless you're an early bird and just love the thrill of sales... it's not worth it! I could've saved myself some money, time and the deterioration of brain cells from sleep deprivation had I just said NO! We... I... had to stand by a pile of Easy Bake Ovens for 10 minutes because they could not be moved until exactly 5am. Slowest 10 min. of my life. My mother goes to scope out other stuff on sale. A foghorn sounds... IT'S 5am... why do I see grown people tossing Cabbage Patch dolls, and other such toys, across the isle in assembly line formation filling their baskets to the brim?! This is not a basketball drill, I should not be seeing 3-Man weaves down the aisles!! And the electronics section... FORGET ABOUT IT! Let me just say I have never been hit by so many apparently-blind-apathetic-shoppers-steering-oversized TV/DVD/STEREO-boxes-hanging-over-the-sides-of-shopping-carts... in my life! I should have brusies from all those carboard corners! Get home from sale with a few items...proceed to crash on the couch. I wake up 4 hours later to find that not only did I miss the UT/A&M game, but that we did indeed loose to A&M! Now, let me first say this is not entirely shocking. After seeing the hurt we incurred from KS State it almost seemed appropriate. Come up with whatever reasons you want... point blank... we lost. Hook 'em.

Everyone leaves... I'm bored. I decide to go and get my ends trimmed (they were quite wretched). I go to Texas Hair Team... should've gone to SuperCuts... the lady tells me how DEAD my hair is and then chops it all off (well more than I was willing to let go of anyway)!! So my length has decreased, sadly, but at the same time, my hair looks healthier and has some body to it. She shaped my layers well, so I suppose I can't fault her for that. *sigh* oh well... see you in another 8 weeks! Time flies... eat some more deserts and leftovers... watch a few more movies with the fam that they rented from Blockbuster. Again, not my choice of movies but the list included Little Man, ATL, and Shadowboxer ( :o\ ) Of the moveis watched, I probably only enjoyed ATL. Little Man was okay, it had its funny moments, but in all honestly The Wayans brothers are losing their flare (if you want to call it that) at least for me. ATL was not what I expected it to be, and I will probably add it to my "movies to buy" list. Shadowboxer was some weird twisted indie movie with Cuba Gooding Jr. Let's just put it this way... halfway into it, I got up and decided I'd rather go to a movie with a friend than watch anymore of this. Yeah... it really... sucked!

Get re-dressed and go to see Casino Royal with my 007 loving friend Darcey! We went to this place called Movie Tavern, which is like an Alamo Drafthouse so I was super excited... and it's right down the street from my house!! We ordered some awesome eats, a pizza and beer-battered fried mushrooms (and I didn't get SICK... long story). So I know I may get shot for this, but... this was the first James Bond movie I've ever watched all the way through... ever. AND... I really liked it! AND... I liked the new Bond guy they picked. He was witty... and really twisted... a trait my friend seemed to deviously enjoy... immensely. I guess blonde's do have more fun... when there are guns and bombs and stacks of cash invovled. After the movie I caught up with Darcey for a spell then returned home.

Saturday... blah blah blah... eat some leftovers... blah blah blah... did virutally nothing. Danced around the house with my iPod tripping up the stairs on more than one occassion (that never happens at my house in Austin... weird). Watched Diary of Mad Black Woman... cried a bit on the ending song... went to go play with my Chi iron some. Took my dog up to my sisters job (she works at a pet clinic) to check him for heart worms... we shall see. In the meantime, they tell us he has fat tumors and a heart murmur, hopefully just a result of his old age. After seeing him squirm from them trying to draw his blood, I decide to treat my dog to a scenic drive with the window down (love you pookie!) and came back home.

Packed my bags a headed back to Houston, singin to Corrine Bailey Rae the whole way (well... not really... half Corrine... half iPod shuffle) Can you tell I beagn to realize how long this was going and my attempt to wrap it up? Cut me some slack people... this is three days worth of events... can't get any more brief than that!

Anyway, take your time. This should hold you all for the next moth or two until I return!

Random Musings

2010-06-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

Okay so just a head's up - I'm bored and that's really the only reason why I'm making this post. While I do have a lot of deep thoughts I'd like to blog about/mull over, today I just want to air out all the silly thoughts. So... here goes!

Wouldn't it be nice if people paid me, not just to blog, but to comment on their blogs?! Rodnesha Green... Professional Blog Commentator... has a ring to it... I think.

I've been told that one day I'm going to write something phenomenal... I can only hope that this will be true. This, however, got me to thinking about that movie Lady in the Water. *spoiler alert... if you care* So I was reminded of M. Night Shyamalan's character (who was a writer). It was, in essence, prophesied to him that he would one day write and publish this life-changing book. (Pretty sweet, huh!?!) He was also told that because of it someone was going to kill him, but, that in doing so his death would exponentially increase the reach, acceptance and power of his novel. Now, while I see the Jesus parallel of martyrdom in this storyline (and that's nice for him and all), I have to say... I'm really hoping the same won't ring true for me and my destiny as a writer. Just sayin...

Sidenote: I don't know why, but I'd really like to be in a movie written/directed by M. Night Shyamalan. People have asked me time and again why (since no one really "gets" his movies), but honestly I think they're great... well I enjoy them anyway.

So, I'm about to start lessons for guitar and dance next week... I'm pretty excited about it! I say this now, however, not knowing what exactly I'll look like being squeezed into a leotard these days. (P.S. It's not likely that I'll shape up like this little gal over here ---> )

P.S. Leotard = Dance class, NOT Guitar... at least not that I know of.

Anyone out there ever read/seen the movie "He's Just Not That Into You"? Well, I've done both. I remembered thinking, after reading the book, "Wow... that was nice of this guy to spill all those boy secrets and save us women from utter despair and embarassment!" (no sarcasm... I really was grateful for that book at the time I read it... long story). Then another thought occurred to me, "Hmm, I wonder why there isn't some book out there that an equaly gracious woman wrote titled "Well... SHE'S Just Not Into YOU!" The I realized, "No way that book would selll because men are so '1 Track' that they won't care that much anyway. Not to mention the fact that women are so multi-dimensional that, in all honesty, this declaration could (in the grand scheme of things) turn out to not be as true as they initially think!" So, to put it in perspective, a book coming from this vantage point would sound more like this:

"She's Just Not That Into You: But If You Work at it Hard Enough and Approach Her from the Right Angle You Could Get Her to be Into You."

(otherwise known as the movie Hitch)

Okay... that's all for now :o)

"The Mold"

2010-05-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

Hopefully, you're not looking at the title of this entry and thinking "Is this blog going to be about some weird parallel between life and the weird fungus Rodnesha found growing in her refrigerator?"If so, you'll be relieved to know that won't be the basis of today's conversation. However, you wouldn't be incorrect in presuming that my busy lifestyle as of late has lead me to an unkempt household. While this is the case, I can attest my haphazard manor hasn't led to any peculiar growths or spores (that I know of)... just lots of piles... shoe piles... laundry piles... and a mounting pile of dishes in the sink (don't worry... that was the first to be rectified).

So what led to my choosing this title, you ask? Well I suppose I should start from the beginning.

Today, as I was out and about for my lunch hour I got to thinking about a few things (an occasionally dangerous pasttime). There's been a lot of conflict occurring in my life - though most of it has been on the battlefield of the mind. I have in the last few months gone through several bouts of fluxxing between confidence and insecurity, trust and doubt, hope, confusion and everything in between. Some of you may be like, "So what else is new, that's life," but just go with me on this. So, this has become of a huge trial of the heart because I feel like I'm free-falling, and while I've been told I have a parachute that will take me to safety, I feel as though I pulled on the rip chord and the chute aint workin! (Okay back to me thinking in my car) So... I'm thinking, right!? And as I do so, I begin to revisit some of the things folks have spoken into my life in the last 3 months about my future and destiny; all promising, might I add, and things I VERY MUCH want to be a reality, but you know how that song goes! Something to the tune of, "As soon as promise is spoken over your life all kinds of Hell comes around you (blatant and subtle) to get you to start *doubting*." (pretty catchy, huh?) Pretty soon there's a very fine line between reality andTRUTH (that's another blog altogether).

So in the midst of those thoughts I pulled out one in particular that a friend shared with my over lunch recently. She asked if I knew what my name meant. I had a knee-jerk response for her, which was "nothing". Now, this is almost an automated response that has been on repeat my entire life because throughout my childhood desired to have a name that meant something... to the point that I made up a meaning, "It means' I'm my father's daughter," (something clever I came up with since my name is a girlified version of my father's name... get it!) Anyway, I always cringe a little when I get this questions because I was that kid who had that name... you know, the one that would never appear on those monogrammed pens or license plates in Wal-Mart. Not to mention that every time I looked into the definition of my name (each time hoping that maybe someone somewhere came up with some kind of origin) it either said "no definition" or "derived from/a form of the name Rodney" (which it is, but that meant nothing to me).

Now (sidenote) if you don't know this about me I can tell you that I am a BIG name person. I love to know the origins of names and words and I'm so Old Testament when it comes to naming children because I believe that it's a parent's first opportunity to pronounce calling and purpose over a child's life. (Clearly some folks in the Bible fell short in that department, but you get the point). Anyway, as I mulled over this conversation we had I reflected on the timeline of my acceptance of my name. It likely goes without saying that growing up I was the kid who desperately wanted her name to be something simple like Amanda or Jennifer - you know the names that were EASY to pronouce that usually just happened to be congruently linked to the most popular/prettiest girls in the school (Yeah... that wasn't me per say). I was the girl who hated the fact that I was told that people would JUDGE me before they knew me because of, you guessed it, my name! Various people at various points in my life tried to convey to me how my name (let alone other factors like my race and gender... all blatantly spelled out in my name by the way) was going to aprehend me throughout my life when it came time for things like applying for college, building a career or meeting new people.

Now, was this true to some extent, and as a result of these factors from about the time I was 7 up until I turned 18 I detested my name. However, it was clear that I was stuck with it. As I was not a celebrity, changing it wasn't an option, I tried to go by my middle name, Karissa (even shortened it to Kari), in 7th grade and that went about as well as introducing a Slinky to a kid with an iPhone and lasted all of a week (if that). I couldn't tell my parents because that would insult them, and nicknames only made it worse. With the exception of "Nesha" all shortcuts and derivations of my name only made me sound like a man --> Rod, Roddy, Rodney, Hot Rod, RoddyG, Rod the Bod... yeah this might explain why my prom went as well as it did *insert sarcasm*. All this to say, my name was nothing more to me than something I just had to "deal with" (keep this in mind). The sad reality was that there was a stigma on it that I was going to have to find a way to live with.

Eventually, I got to a place where I didn't mind my name (appx. age 18-21). I became that girl who joined the Facebook group, "My name's not GHETTO, it's Unique!" Ultimately, I came to cherish my name (appx. age 22 on). When I thought about my name in and of itself and the woman who gave it to me I became appreciative and today I realized why that is. Basically, my mother did promounce something over me when she gave me my name and it wasn't "The Curse of Ghetto Intrigue" as I thought earlier in life. My mother gave me a name that marked me and told me I was "set apart". You see, people out in the world have these preconceived notions over girls like me with names like mine, "Ghetto, loud, ethnic, hood, poor manors, loose morals, bad grammar, etc." In naming me my mother gave me an opportunity to take "the mold" and BREAK IT. Anyone who knows me is well aware that I fit into archetypes like a square peg in a round hole. I'm the girl who writes and speaks like she's STILL prepping for the SATs. I couldn't FAKE a hood accent to save my life (I tried as a kind... my cousins all laughed at me) and if I had a dollar for every time I've heard a "White Girl" reference I'd be a millionaire!

The point is, I realized, as did my mother, that there is a "Mold" out there that people are expected to fit. It's kind of tragic when you think about it that the world around us insists on herding people like cattle into various barns. Is it really that cut and dry? I like to think not! As a 27 year old woman, I'm proud to have the name I have because while it does speak volumes about me ahead of my presence, it then allows me to speak volumes ABOVE IT... to kick down doors of and limitations of people's perceptions! My name may be awkward and tend to cause mild forms of verbal dyslexia when people have to pronounce it, but guess what else it does? For the people who hear my name and have never met me, it gives me the opportunity to bring them beyond their presuppositions when they meet and converse with me. For the people who speak with me over the phone it gives me a chance to let them know that I'm more than an anticipated dialect or slang and whatever image they attributed to that (heaven knows how many gasps I get when I introduce myself... double that amount when they find I'm from Texas).

I say all this not as an anthem to overcoming the odds stacked against me or as a battle cry for all the "odd-named" somebodies out there. No, this is actually on overflow of gratitude I have toward my God - that He made me to be something that goes beyond the expectations of this world. When the world says, "You fit this mold; you belong over here." God says, "No. The only mold you were made to fit is the shape of my hands, which makes everything you are meant to be IN ME above and beyond any cast this world tries to squeeze you into."

So as I thought about my name today I was reminded that I am here to affect change in my generation, not to be affected by it. That I AM a conqueror and overcomer. If something as simple as overcoming the challenges and stereotypes of a name can be defeated, what more will He enable me to do? My name tells me that I am not defined by my culture, by people's opinions or by worldly standards, but that I was defined when God crafted my person and wrote the Law of Love upon my heart. In Him all things are possible and able to be overcome.

What do you believe God has to say about you?

Feel free to share the origin of your name!

Photos courtesy of

http://www.instructables.com/image/F6PSIXTF90574IX/Simple-Clay-Mold.jpg

http://law.marquette.edu/facultyblog/2009/01/06/what%E2%80%99s-in-a-name

Girls Scouts... The "New" Ice Cream Man?!

2010-02-10T22:26:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year yet again! Yes... it's that time where one begins to see little green sashes, vests and barets run rampant across the entry ways of Supermarkets and Drug Stores far and wide! In the words of the popular classic movie Troop Beverly Hills, "It's Cookie Time!"

Well guess what you little green peddlers of confectionery - I'm on to you!

That's right! You may have everyone else in the world fooled, but after years and years of intense study, investment, and insatiable desire I have finally come to the determination that there is only ONE THING that can explain why your product, after continual exposure on a seasonal market, manages to draw upon the unending appeal of me and millions of other Americans... there's drugs in those cookies!

Now, now let's not look so appalled. Sure, many of us would like to think that reason we are so willing and able to support our local Girl Scout is because of those unavoidable looks of longing, or maybe that "it's for a good cause", but the truth is that these clever little "pushers" have managed to perfect a technique that Coca-Cola once employed in the early years of its inception - "get em hooked and they'll be back". I mean, America let's just admit it - we have been doped... I mean... duped!

How do I know?! Well, let's start with the fact that it doesn't even matter what type of cookie it is! It could be a Tag-A-Long, Lemonade, Carmel-De-Light or heaven forbid a THIN MINT, which I personally believe was the first cookie patented with said addictive substances - I have several theories as to why.

For one, before Thin Mints there were just good ol' Shortbread cookies. Can anyone remember a time when Girl Scouts were explosive on Shortbread cookies alone?? Second, I believe that the shortbread ingredients were too bland in-and-of themselves to mask the traces of said addictive substances - where as a mint cookie would be the perfect concoction to initiate such dastardly business endeavors. Finally, there's not one person I know (except for those who may not enjoy mint-flavor) who do NOT include Thin Mints in their list of GS cookie favorites... FAVORITES!! Much like love, MINT covers a multitude of sins (scripture reference... maybe a bit much, but you get the point).

The rest, as they say, is history. And here we are today, looking down the barrel of another cookie epidemic and wantonly waiting to pull the trigger. And here I am, with the rest of you, ready to shell out $3.50 a box (Chips Ahoy aren't even that much) just so I don't go the whole season without tasting at least one Thin Mint, Lemonade or Peanut Butter Patty. $3.50!!

Geez, you'd think with the profit they are turning they could start a little Girl Scout clothing line to bring these business savants up-to-date with current fashion trends. Get them some little green leggings to go with their khaki brown skirts or something!?

At the very least someone needs to start providing Cookie Anonymous for when folks start making the life choice to get clean. As for me, well... I guess I'm just not ready to give it up yet.

In closing, I'd like to leave you all with the very clip that I mentioned at the onset of my blog. For those who have seen the movie - I hope it brings back fond memories. But please, take special note of the devices these girls inact and let it be a lesson to us all that we are just pawns in the giant cookie game of life!

Our First Date!!

2010-02-03T15:30:00.000-08:00

So, as some of you may know I went on an AMAZING date this morning and because I'm a sucker for photographic moments I wanted to memorialize the occasion. This blog will be more about "showing" the story, rather than "telling" as I often do.

I know many of you are writhing with anticipation... "Who is he? When did they meet? What's he like?" Well let me first start by saying that we were actually introduced to one another by his Dad. I know, I too never thought I would allow myself to me match-made by parents... well I guess at some point you just decided to let the chips fall where they may. And... he's a younger guy - which isn't what I'm used to, but I was assured by his Dad that he was really mature for his age and "a sweetheart".

Anyway, he got me his contact number and we arranged to meet up for breakfast this morning. I woke up this morning in anticipation - I mean quite honestly it's been a while since I've met a decent guy, moreover one who took a genuine interest in me enough to take me out. Well, let me tell you - it was honestly one of the better times I've had with a guy in a long time. I mean, he was very open to conversation, he laughed at my jokes (and I at his) and he wasn't afraid to show me what he was all about.

I guess without further ado, let's meet him, shall we!

Here's me in the car EXCITED!!

We decided to go dutch on some Chick-Fil-A (and people... I love me some Chick-Fil-A chicken minis!)

AND HERE HE IS!!!

ISN'T HE SO HANDSOME!! (don't be jealous) - Side note: I know a lot of females who have been trying to get at this dude for some time, and I was the lucky one today!

So, what did we do you all ask??

Well we started with a movie!

He is very much an intellectual, so he offered to read to me. (if you're wondering what he's looking at the TV was still going - you know how guys get so easily sidetracked when electronics are around).

And of course he has an athletic side with a predominate interest in my favorite sport BASKETBALL! He allowed me to take a few shots of him in his element.

Can't you see him being a model for Nike?!

All in all we had a GREAT time - however, at the end of our date I think we both realized that we would be better off as friends. He agreed that he would love to continue to see me come by on occasion to hang out. I guess you can't win 'em all

Lessons from Narnia - The Fruit

2010-01-25T20:13:00.000-08:00

The Chronicles of Narnia may very well be the ONLY set of books by C.S. Lewis that I can read, digest and interpret without fail. Even The Screwtape Letters give me trouble on occasion (haven't finished) and don't even get me started on Mere Christianity!! I suppose this just goes to show that my comprehension for reading is equivalent to that of a 19th Century English Schoolgirl! Nevertheless, I love these books all the more and maybe it is because of the fact that Lewis takes a step down from intellectualism and dances with fantasy. I love books that can paint a picture - imagery created with words and The Chronicles certainly do just that!

I just finished The Magician's Nephew, which I actually haven't read before. As a kid, I only read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - what I then thought was the first book in the series. Years later I would come to find that Magician's Nephew was Lewis' first work in the collection and honestly, I can't imagine reading it in any other order. Magician's Nephew does for the Creation story what L.W.W. did for the Resurrection story (at least in my mind), and I loved every drop of symbolism present. The way the story was woven really helped me visualize the words I read so often out of Genesis. I think things really struck a chord with me in two particular places in the story - when the children witness the Creation song of Aslan (sounds cool doesn't it?!) and when Aslan explained the purpose of the fruit.

Now we all know (for those who have read the Bible or went to Sunday School as a child) that in Genesis 3 the Fall of Man occurs because Adam and Eve chose to eat the fruit of the tree the were told not to eat from. Now, Lewis takes a bit of a spin on this concept, but I absolutely love it because it gives you a better understanding of our selfishness and innate desires versus God's will and desire for our lives. In this passage, a little boy named Digory is explaining to Aslan (a Lion who symbolizes Jesus) that the Witch betrayed the written warning and ate the fruit from the tree that was forbidden, but that she was boasting of in violating the law she now possessed the power of eternal youth and strength. She told the child he was a fool not to eat from it as well. Upon hearing the confession Aslan explained the following:

"She has won her heart's desire; she has unwearying strength and endless days like a goddess. But, length of days with an evil heart is only length of misery... All get what they want; they do not always like it... for the fruit always works - it must work - but it does not work happily for any who pluck it at their own will. "

So I'm reading this chapter and I'm floored because it caused me to reflect back on all the things I've tried to jump ahead of God to achieve - good and not-so-good - all the "fruit" I've tried to pluck in my own timing, my own way, and regardless of any rules or guidelines on how it should be done. And to be quite honest, I don't think I can recall a time where I've really been completely satisfied doing it my way especially when my way means disobeying, ignoring or placing God's way on the back burner.

Now let's be real - this happens a lot... to everyone! It's not even always a matter of purposely wanting to be rebellious (like the Witch), but sometimes you think you have a better understanding, better reasons, or better timing for the situation (like the child). And sometimes, those reasons can sound pretty compelling - so much so that you're even willing to debate God on why your way is right (more often than none we're really just trying to convince ourselves). What you want could even be very godly, holy and acceptable in and of itself, and on the outset seem urgently necessary, but all that's taking place is your mind justifying what your heart has already chosen.

The value in what I read from this tale was that the right fruit at the wrong time is bad fruit! Have you ever been to the grocery store and bought produce that was "in season" and then bought it when it was "out of season"? If you talk to any chef or baker (or candlestick maker... joke) that is worth their salt they will always caution that certain produce will yield the best tastes and results when they are IN SEASON! Yes, you can find ways to make the produce work out of season, but it will never be as robust as it is when it is ripened and harvested in its time.

Another key thing that I picked up on is the inherent nature of a thing versus the timing in which something is to be done. Example, a seed is inherently created to produce a tree/plant/vegetation, etc. when properly sown; a relationship is a process that's inherently meant to bring 2 people closer together in some form or fashion be it communication, time spent with one another, physicality, etc. In the book, Aslan talks about this when he discusses the effects of the Witch's choice to eat the silver apple stating that "The fruit always works; things always work according to their nature..." and this is very true. But, the overall depiction is that just because it works doesn't mean it's at its best. If I were to plant a fig tree in the middle of winter I'd be lucky if that thing even survived to see spring with a few branches let alone produce fruit. It's highly unlikely that I'm going to get that best out of that tree - that being the most delicious and succulent figs ever (by the way- I hate figs - just needed an analogy).

So maybe you're saying to yourself, "yeah yeah, I've heard it right thing, wrong time = wrong thing, big deal, why are we discussing it?" Well, for one, I don't think it hurts to be reminded over... and over... and over about our "Achilles heel" as humans to try to put things into our own hands and ultimately run them straight into a brick wall! I mean, it's hilarious because we really do continue to try to do it, inadvertently or not. While it may not be the exact same situation, problem or request, just because it's a pie you're running with instead of a cake doesn't it make it any less flat when it comes up against that wall.

Personally, this helps me in my grand time of transition where my only constant is if I get up that morning it simply becomes another morning God has allowed me to live (which I am grateful for). Aside from that I have no consistency, format, or time line, which is good and bad for a gal like me who lives off of routine. And with the sway of a days events, or lack there of, I can easily find myself being subject to feelings of boredom, stirring, let down, encouragement and confusion. But in reading this, I'm reminded that I can't be lead by my emotions and I can't loose focus on who I'm ultimately serving and the timing He has set for things to fall into motion. And like Digory, I have to trust where God has me and why he has where I am and that ultimately I'm not being sent on a Fool's Errand and that everything will make sense in the end. I just have to remember Psalm 37: 3-5

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.

AH HA!! cue lightbulb! -- 10/3/07

2010-01-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

Really I'm just sharing a piece of my heart that I had laid bare before me this morning. As always I hope you find it humorous, enlightening, and just plain ol' good readin!

(WARNING: This will probably not sound quite as eloquent or insightful as it did when I first caught the vision this morning)

I got up and was praying this morning and of course I kind of have to wind my way into prayer, especially early in the morning. If you don't know, I'm not and early riser... not a morning person... none of that! But, I must say that I have been able to get earlier starts to the day and whatnot since I've laid down a few things and given myself a chance to rest.I started by reading through Hebrews 1 and 2 just to kind of "rev up my engine" which was pretty cool because I've read Hebrews before, nothing super new. Yet, somehow the first chapter never really caught my attention before. The 1st chapter (in my version) was entitled "The Son Superior to Angels" and it was all about how awesome Jesus is and that before him I guess the angels and prophets were the nearest thing to God... but they were servants, not sons, and they did hold all the power and authority that God did. To put it practically, in an office environment we would see them more as "managers" and not "entrepreneurs"! Anyway, the part that caught my attention was here:

Verses 1-4: In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in many ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of His being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majest of Heaven. So he has become as much superior to the angels as the name he has inherited is superior to theirs.

So I'm trippin like... "Wow... that's amazing!" I don't know why but it just blew me away to read that... out loud no less.

Disclaimer: This isn't the revelation. I repeat, this isn't revelation... yet.

So the 2nd chapter goes on to talk about the whole reality of Jesus being "the word made flesh". Intrinsically, for Jesus to save us, he had to be made like us. In order for him to defeat death.. he had to be made subject to dying. For him to bring salvation of sin.. he had to live and dwell among it... sense it creeping on his Holy nature; feel it pressing against the will of God; truly and honestly KNOW what it feels and is like to be pierced in the flesh, heart, and spirit. That's the only way he could overcome it, right?! Think about it, it's kind of hard to coach someone out of suicide without having experienced that need to end it all. It's hard to tell someone how to loose weight when you've been thin as a rail all your life and never dealt with the anxiety of being overweight or feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. Even simpler, you probably aren't going to be that good of a basketball coach if you never once played a game a day in your life! Who's going to respect that?!?! I'm sure it's possible to do... but the connection is lost, the efforts are artificial, and there's probably a lot of works involved to even come close to having the experiential knowledge. We as people tend to respect and adhere to others more when we know they've shared in similar experiences. But for Jesus it wasn't even about respect... it's just what had to be done. Plain and simple. Recovered drug addicts can counsel struggling drug addicts because they've been there, done that, and come out on top! Same rules apply; and we all know how our God is a God of order!

Anyway... again, this isn't the BIG REVELATION that I caught. Stick with me.

So, I'm just revved up like, "God... this is good, this is really good! So I start praying and thanking God for the great word and how there were all these things in just two verses that I never really sat on and considered. And I was like, "You know what? That's it... that's really all it is. I'm sitting here reading and just learning new things. I'm learning more about YOU!" "

(And I lost a few lines of prayer there because hey *shrug* I was in prayer... you don't mentally record that kinda stuff)

But, what it came down to for me was that famous verse in Matthew (6:33 - seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well).
So here is my thing... I, like many other sanctified Christians, have probably heard this verse a million times. And though I've heard it so often, I don't think it ever really "clicked" with me like it did today. I mean it always made sense to some degree, "If I seek God and His kingdom then he'll give me what I want/need." But I'd always walk off thinking:

"What does that mean, really?? To seek God's kingdom and righteousness? So I need to need to get saved, be involved in the church... that's the kingdom, right? Evangelize to the lost too because they are the future kingdom dwellers. So basically, I serve to the MAX, pray and ask God for favor with 'such-and-such' and then I wait because He'll return the favor gladly! Oh yeah, and I read the Bible to find out how God wants me to live, how he wants me to minister and pray, and so on."

Today it all came to a head. I realized in reading Hebrews that it's all about discovering what I didn't know. Seeking God's kingdom isn't about seeking all the holy ways of living, it's about seeking God's heart and upon its unveiling, responding accordingly. Then I felt like God asked me plainly, "What is a kingdom? How would you recognize it?" And I realized there on my bed I was in for some whirlwind of knowledge. I replied, "Well... first off a kingdom is obviously ruled by a king. Second, you can tell when you have stepped into a kingdom by the way it's being ruled or governed. The kingdom is the people, the buildings, the laws, and of course the king. And you can tell what the heartbeat of a kingdom is when you can feel the pulse of its King in every aspect, in the very essence of all he reigns over."

In a word, seeking the kingdom, for me, is no longer about reading the Bible for direction and designation. It's about discovering the pulse of the kingdom... it's about unveiling the heart of God. Every time I open my Bible and find a reading I learn something new... a new facet of my King is exposed and I have a better sense of the God I serve. Essentially, we're not just peasants in a land where we must take orders and follow suit, but we are kingdom dwellers who are permitted to know our King intimately... who are rewarded with the esteemed privilege of having our God, our King, reveal pieces of his heart to us day by day.

And naturally, because of this all the other things will be added unto us. Because we will know more and more about His graciousness and how much he desires to provide for our every need; we'll learn more about his everlasting and abundant love that he CHOOSES to shower on us every day and every minute; we'll gain the realization of why he's so jealous for us, why He desires so greatly for us to be reunitesd with him; we'll understand why his laws are just and lead to the abundant life; we'll be able to trust that He does have a hope and a future for us, that he has our best in mind, because we'll be able to see with our own eyes and hear out of our own mouths all that his kingdom provides.

So yes, I will seek first the kingdom of God... and in doing so discover that it leads to more than I ever knew.

How Much Longer? -- 12/16/06

2010-01-22T22:29:00.000-08:00

How many more nights will I have to dream?
The streams of my subconscious are overwhelming
To the point that my eyes can't withhold the tears.

They roll down my face, one by one,
Each carrying with it a burden, a yearning,
A broken spirit... a burning.

A burn that singes not only the walls of my heart, but my soul.

Is it well with my soul that the only woman
Who ever loved me so unconditionally
Be seized of her life, and, in turn, leaving me
To wander aimlessly, and wonder what will become
Of my broken family?

What do I do with these dreams?
I can't cast them astray!
For your face is stained on the windows of my soul;
Your memory engrained on the walls of my heart.

I suppose it's true... not even death can keep us apart.
But sometimes, I wish it could
Part the sea of memories so I wouldn't
Have to wade in the waters of sadness.

An Exercise of the Mind

2010-01-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

So I got a little revelation this morning - well I'm not sure if you'd call it a revelation or a realization.

I'm coming to find there is a difference between the two. Anyway, I got up this morning feeling a we bit tight (muscularly) from my Zumba workout the day before and I figured maybe a good Yoga workout would help relieve some tension. Sadly, I was unable to find my Rodney Yi Yoga DVD (somewhat bummed about that) so I decided to just get up put on some sweats and head down to my apartment's gym hoping that a couple of revolutions on the elliptical would help get my muscles warm. So I grab my iPod and make my way out the door.

Since the goal this morning was for a low-impact workout, I decided that I would tune-in to a podcast to mentally stimulate me while the machine did likewise to my limbs. I, first and foremost, wanted hear the sermon from CCC that I missed from this past Sunday and then once that was done I could see what other words of inspiration I could absorb. I stepped inside the gym, began my workout, listened to a GREAT message from Morgan on doubting your doubts, and then stretched out so I could head back to my apartment. This morning happened to catch me in a good mood so I decided that upon my return I would continue on the "good health" regimen by getting some Word time in. SIDE NOTE: I was somewhat ignited to read my Bible this morning by what I read last night in my Chronicles of Narnia (complete works) book set. If you haven't read them all (like me) or have never read them in the RIGHT order (that's right - The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe was NOT the first in the series - just the first published), or with the understanding that these stories are PARABLES of the gospel - please go back and read The Magician's Nephew. There is an amazing chapter that talks about the creation of Narnia, which is basically a parallel of the story of creation from Genesis and the depiction was so captivating.

I digress. I got back to my apartment, filled a large cup full of ice-cold water to replenish what was lost in exercising, grabbed my Bible and headed outside to read on the patio. Groggy of a morning as it was, I still found myself fond of the cool breeze (perhaps because I was sweaty as all get-out). My bookmark indicated that Psalm 37 was the assigned chapter for the day (I'm slowly, but surely making my way through that book - part of my commitment to be committed to what I start. Please don't ask me when I started reading Psalms *sigh*). I began to read the chapter and the first verse that jumps out at me is Verse 3: Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. I go on and others begin to jump off the page "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," about three times it said, "fret not yourself," and the clutch verse that echoed in my mind throughout was, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

Now, here's what I discovered about myself. I have always been told that I am a very patient person, which I find hilarious given that when I want something I feel like I do any and every thing I can to make it happen RIGHT THEN. If I want to write something brilliant, I want to be able to do it RIGHT THEN. If I want to make a particular purchase I want to make it then and there. Moreover, if I have a desire of the heart I detest having to wait to get it because I can't stand carrying around that lingering thought, feeling or desire for that which I want. So... there's confession #1 - I am more selfish and impatient than you all know! So when I read things that say words like "wait" or "be still" I think somewhere inside I cringe because the ability to do so seems so far beyond my capacity to oblige. Yes, I want to wait on the Lord, but man am I antsy!

I finish the chapter and I decided to put thought to action. I sat there in the blustery wind on a hard wooden chair now determined that I was going to sit and wait on the Lord. For what? I had no clue! But, I had set my mind to it and that was that! Well, I sat there, I leaned forward, I closed my eyes, I repeated the verse in my head a few times and then I just sat.... and sat... and then I decided to ask, out of curiosity. "Lord, how long should I sit here?" I believe that I faintly heard, "A little while longer..." Of course, right then and there my mind had seek a more precise response. A little while longer? What does that mean? Minutes... hours... until it gets dark...?? Then I began to look around - not as if there was anything to notice outside of a gray sky, the neighboring fire station and a bird nestled in the grass. Then I realized that the cool breeze was turning into a cold current. Ultimately, I came to realize that I was neither still nor silent and somewhat uncertain as to how to even approach this type of situation. All I knew was that I had become that kid in time-out who was sitting there wondering when it was time for them to be able to get up. "Hey Jesus... now? Can I get up now? Are you going to speak now?"

Finally, what it came down to was this: "Lord, I'm not very good at this am I? I'm not very patient at all... I'm sure that doesn't surprise you." Then I began to wonder what I was missing out on in "not waiting". And as much as I wanted to stay just to be successful in the effort... I knew it was a moot point and retreated indoors. My last conclusion may have been the entire point of what I was out there for, and if that was so then I wanted to, again, put faith to action. So, I decided that in light of my realizations I was going to allot 30 minutes every day for a week to just sit... and be still... and wait. I became cognizant that for me, even 5 minutes of just sitting and "doing nothing" (as it appears to me initially) seems a waste of time, so it would be a great challenge to my mentality to just sit still for 30 minutes. Not reading... not listening to music... not praying... not hearing a sermon.... nothing. Silence. We'll see how it goes.

Isn't It Obvious?! (I guess not...)

2010-01-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

Wow! So I have been waiting for blogging inspiration all day and I think I've got it! Let me first introduce you to what prompted this sudden need to post! A conversation that I just had on Facebook with 2 guy friends of mine sent me reeling! Here is what was said:

Rodnesha K. Green Is it crazy to think that maybe Mr. Right will one day walk into Borders (I mean my office) and start up a conversation with me. More importantly, will I be willing to give him the time of day... thoughts to ponder. Okay back to "work".

Rodnesha K. Green
I just saw a good lookin brotha in a suit roll up to the coffee counter... HOLLA!!
Sebastian Alexander
Give him the eyes!!!
Rodnesha K. Green
@Sebastian - kinda hard to give the eyes to the back of his head, but perhaps if I stare long enough.... hmmm
Sebastian Alexander
you could throw something at him? that might work ;o)
Robert Mitchell
Listen to me! Fall and trip into him! Do something! Don't give us too much credit! Lol!

Now, besides the fact that this stream of responses had me literally laughing out loud in the middle of a bookstore, it kind of got me to thinking. How much effort should a girl make to get a guys attention? Before getting into this let me state that for the record I wasn't really interested in the guy at the counter. He was somewhat older than I would prefer (not to mention that man could have been married for all I know), but I couldn't sidestep the timing of his arrival. I figured after making such a proclamation as I did, the inclusion of a well-timed, approaching Black professional in a nice suit and a smooth appearance would only add to good conversation. And it proved CORRECT!

So like I said, this begs the question - how overt must a woman be to get a man's attention (if she were to want it). This is actually a topic that has been coming up quite a bit between my friends and I on what my friend Robert stated as "giving {men} too much credit". I guess I'm guilty of that. It's just interesting to think that as natural born "pursuers/hunters/gatherers" men can be somewhat dense, unobservant or even insecure (well I can understand the insecure part to a degree - rejection is rejection).

Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here to state that I do not consider myself to be what the general population would perceive as "ugly". So I've even been told that I am considered pretty, attractive, beautiful, etc. thanks to all my female and married friends (perhaps that's problem #1). Anyway, for whatever reason (TV, pop culture, family), it has always been my comprehension that if you are an attractive girl you will naturally be sought out by attractive men. Let me put a cork in that rationale by saying NOT EVEN! I don't care what your grandmama told you (because mine probably told me the same thing) the pursuit of a woman is not what it used to be. I can be at my best (or my worst) and get no more than a random honk from some car full of idots or dirty eyes from the elderly pervert wishing for the vitality of his youth (eww). Either way, throwing on some facepaint and your "Sunday best" doesn't quite cut it anymore. So what does?

I was listening to a Mark Driscoll message one time on Ruth and Boaz and he was stating how it is true that a man should pursue a woman, not the other way around, and that's because it is designed to be that way (not that we ladies don't try to throw in a reverse every now and again). However, he also stated that "...there's nothing wrong with getting in a man's way sometimes." In other words don't chase him down the path, but there's nothing wrong with standing in the middle of it. And he essentially made another remark that men aren't the most observant and sometimes you have to get a little deliberate about being seen. Really!?!

I will confess that I personally have never wanted to be the "aggressor". For one, I always felt and witnessed that if a girl does pursue a guy and that guy is so willing to let her do so then he is what one calls "a scrub" (thank you TLC) because it's likely he'll be just as lackadaisical about extolling you in the relationship as he was about "pursuing you" into it. On the other hand, standing by the side of the road looking pretty doesn't get you anywhere either (Kim Kardashians and Halle Berrys aside). So... where's the line? Can it be as subtle, as my friend Sebastian suggests, as getting his attention with your eyes? Or does it have to be as brazen as my friend Robert's advised as to literally "throw yourself" at a man...or into him, rather. And I get that there's the element of attraction, but I've seen my fair share of eyes wander over toward me in delight and then wander right out the door or to the next pretty face.

No answers on my end today - but I would love to hear from the fellas on this one (and ladies too if you like). I'm still grasping the concept. To initiate, or not to initiate... that is the question.

What Are You, Really?!

2009-12-17T01:01:00.000-08:00

(Guest Blog Commentary by Ashley Drennan)

Have you ever come across certain things in life that really made you go "hmmmm??" Today, my soon-to-be ex-roommate and I were discussing this very subject. We came to find that there are a lot of "amalgamations" in life that don't quite add up (i.e. the whole is not is NOT equal to the sum of its parts). I'll explain. We got to talking about certain creations that we felt never truly served any good purpose in life and perhaps the decision to make these "mergers" may have been better left undone. The following will illuminate our point and we will likely be on the hunt for more objects to add to the list!

OBJECT #1. ~ SPORKS

First off, let me start by stating that name combining is almost never cute (i.e. Brangelina, Bennifer), nor a good sign of an adequate product venture. So why-in-the-world anyone would think that the name "Spork" would be enticing is beyond me. I will admit, at first glance the spork does appear intriguing. I mean, it's a spoon... with prongs!! Setting the table couldn't get any simpler, right?! No more 3 spoons on the right and 4 forks on the left (or whatever). You have a catch-all utensil that can provide full functionality to you in any given food circumstance, right? WRONG! To quote Ashley, "I see no well-intentioned purpose in the use of sporks. For one, they are almost always plastic, making them flimsy... rarely have I seen one made as part of a dinnerware set. Second, they are just plain pointless. The prongs are to short to really pick any thing up, and very well can't eat and soup because as I raise the dang 'spoon/fork' to my mouth it falls through the cracks! In trying to serve two purposes is has left me wanting on both accounts." Function Fail.

OBJECT #2 - SKORTS

Speaking of awkward and equally unattractive name mergers! I'm sure for many of my lady followers I don't need to introduce you to this "wondrous" creation as I'm sure you have at one time worn, if not witnessed the wearing of a Skort. For my fellas let me break it down. As you can see a Skort is the half-hearted "love child" of Skirts and Shorts. Now, gentlemen, PLEASE don't mistake this as a fashion trend to pick up for the woman in your life on the way home from the office. It is not only a fashion faux-pas, but it is a senseless waste of needle & thread... and just plain hideous. I repeat, "IF YOU ARE NOT A TENNIS OR GOLF PLAYER YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO OWN A SKORT... NONE!"

So one may ask, "why so adamantly opposed to skorts? I think they are fun and creative." To which I would reply, while one may perceive them as a "creative" play between the leisure of shorts and the femininity of a skirt - let's examine this more closely. These... are shorts... with a flap in the front. There nothing feminine, mysterious or unique about them. I could achieve the same effect by stapling a washcloth to the hem of any one of my shorts. Think about it, when you see someone wearing a skort do you think, "Wow, that lady looks so dressy and chic, yet amazingly comfortable because really she's wearing shorts! Boy did she have us fooled!" NO! More often than none people are thinking, "Hmm... I'm not sure what look she's trying to achieve with that thing, but it aint workin!" In all honesty, the effectiveness of it is null and void. If you pair a dressy shirt with your skort - well you look too casual for a classy affair and just confusing for anything else; if you wear it with a less formal top or a T-shirt, well... then you just look like its laundry day and you ran out of appropriate bottom-wear.

It may have worked in 1995, but take heed my friends, you don't wanna go there... again. Leave the skorts to the lady athletes (and even they don't go there anymore - they wear scooters so it at least looks like a skirt all around). To the Skort we say, "Style Fail".

That's all for today's rendition of "What Are You, Really?!" And to quote my friend Erin, "... I'm not quite sure that I can agree to like this because I'm not sure that it knows what it wants to be."

Get InSpired!!

2009-11-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

I just came from seeing the movie This Is It (yes, the Michael Jackson movie). I have to say I wasn't sure what to expect in going to see it, but I was excited, at the very least, to see live footage of some of my favorite MJ songs. Given that my friends and I are all music adoring, Michael Jackson loving, movie freaks, I, personally, was happy to find that on this particular night the theater we ventured to had a maximum of 10 attendants (that is including the 4 of us). This meant we could have a rompin good time commenting, laughing and singing-along!

Can I say that this footage was the base of what would've been an amazing show! I sat there in awe of the meticulous attention to detail that he had over every element of the show - not to mention the fact that he was, at 50, still able to move like he did when he was 20. And he wasn't even dancing FULL OUT! This wasn't just 2nd nature habits, this was the culmination of years of perfecting his craft - these moments on stage were what resonated in the very core of his being.

I was mesmerized to see a man so operate so fully in his gifts and talents and then see how that commitment and pursuit lead to being an encouragement to others who were now serving with him on this project. The singers, musicians and especially dancers who could all recount growing up emulating this one man and going from that to actually performing alongside him. Even the demeanor of the director, stagehands, wardrobe assistants, makeup artists, choreographers, set designers was so full of dedication. Everyone and everything seemed to have a very clear purpose and calling, and all of them were getting their "time to shine". Now, I'm not saying that our life's pursuit should be fame or the approval of any one man (even Michael Jackson) because obviously that is and will always be fleeting. I do, however, believe in living life with purpose, walking in the calling God has placed on our lives and allowing God to breathe upon are us and the gifts which He has entrusted us to steward. ---- Inspiration.

Inspiration. Something I unfortunately don't see much of these days. In fact, everyday that I wake up it becomes more and more apparent to me how "un-inspired" the world around me is. When every song on the radio not only sounds the same, but is guaranteed to consist of ways to "do what you want, have it your way, get what you want so you can be like someone else" it makes you wonder. Have we become so dulled and desensitized that someone like Souljah Boy can come to have not 1, not 2, but multiple chart topping "hits" with his nonsense rhymes, his ridiculous banter and a dance gimick?! Are we that desparate for diversion??

We live in an age where life has become this stale... thing , a stagnant pool of "ordinary" mixed with the fascination of celebrities whose lives are really just as stale as out own! Rather than aspire to greatness for the sake of inspiring others, we have become selfishly motivated to do, act and pursue those things that will create a fortress of comfort, monetary security and envy. In other words, in order to secure our own lot in life, we won't reach too far beyond our grasp, nor do we turn too often towards faith (because that would mean not being fully in control). We've become godless, mindless, uninspired robots who have been programmed to reach for mediocrity. We don't dream - and if we do we put those dreams to the side and so that we may chase reality. I know too many people, myself included, who have allowed life, family, and other external factors to dictate our pursuits

This is not to say we shouldn't consider the future and plan accordingly, but, if the lump sum of our worth is sown up in our financial security then why is America so unhappy? Why do we know various amounts of people who suffer from and deal with stress-related ailments ON A DAILY? Why do we have folks who have spent years climbing the corporate ladder only to get to the top and realize they never wanted to be there in the first place. I counter by saying that our problem is that we have lost our source of inspiration - there is no longer a breath of life upon our culture. Does anyone even realize that this is what "inspiration" means? The literal translation in Latin is "to blow or breathe into or upon . . . to infuse life by breathing" In Greek it is "God-breathed".

People... we NEED to GET INSPIRED!! We need to re-connect with the passions God has placed in us be it creative, administrative, for justice, for truth, for love and caring, encouragement and empathy - whatever it may be we need to unearth it and lift it up for God to breathe upon it. In doing so, I think we'll find the inspiration we desire and will be unwittingly fortified with what we need to develop it into a source of inspiration for others. They are there for a reason - to serve others, to glorify God, to fulfill that longing within ourselves. Pay It Forward - Blessed to be a Blessing - whatever you want to call it DO IT. Aren't you tired of seeing un-inspired people with lives that spiral down and plateau rather than build a legacy of fruitfulness that will go from generation to generation - I know I am.

CHALLENGE!

Is there something that you have long desired to achieve? Maybe you only see it as a hobby or that it won't make you enough money so you cast it aside. If so, I challenge you to unearth that thought/idea/motivation/activity and take a step forward! If nothing else at least acknowledge it as something more than an re-occurring echo in the back of your mind. I challenge you to even to think about what has stopped you from pursuing that dream? Is it lack of inspiration/finances/no motivation/believe that it won't amount to anything?? Are you standing in your own way? Unsure of how to take it to the next level?

Whatever it is I encourage you to share the dreams God has birthed in your heart - who knows there may be someone reading who knows exactly where you are and how to get you where you want to be.

Sponge Bob Holy Pants -- 5/22/08

2009-09-05T20:36:00.001-07:00

Nothing beats a relaxing evening at home eating Cheetos, drinking a nice sweet tea and jammin a favorite CD while contemplating life and all that it has to offer. Lately I've really been thinking about that a lot - where I'm headed... where I've been... and what the heck I'm doing right now! Anyway, a very good friend and counsel - one Eric Moore Sr. - brought up a very good point about our lives and our journey with God through this life. Though it is a very familiar verse to me (one I've heard a few times over and even recently read) this time I really contemplated it's meaning.

So, for those of us who have been on this journey of faith for some time now you've probably heard John 15 a time or two. You know the one, "I am the True Vine and you are the branches... abide in me and I will abide in you..." So it was reiterated again by Emo as we were about to pray before a show on Sunday. He basically stated that he had been re-encouraged by this particular passage because it really clicked with him that everything in his life will line up accordingly as long as he remained on the vine --> in Christ.

He even went on to say that it was particularly inspiring because he could stop at any point and take a look at his life and present circumstances and everything may not look as he feels it should i.e. everything may not be perfect or going right. But, there is JOY is in knowing that as long as he continues to position himself before God and remain in Christ - that the Word promises that whatever is in Christ will also promised to him! Whatever Jesus has, he will also have... and with that knowing comes a peace of mind and a rest.

I of course felt the need to chew that fat on this one with my Lord and Vine one morning. I completely agreed with everything Emo said, but as I mentioned before I've been in this "exploratory" phase where I just want to better understand why I am or am not doing what I am (or am not). God painted a picture for me that I found extremely helpful...

Man was fashioned to abide in Christ much like a sponge is fashioned to abide in the ocean. Inspiration spoke to me that man was created to be and function much like a sponge - to be porous (holey),and light-weight with a capacity for depth and greater density. When placed in the appropriate conditions we are able to fulfill our ultimate purpose and really live out fully who we are created to be. Make sense? No? I'll elaborate:

We've all held a sponge out of water right (real or manufactured)? Those who have can attest that it feels stiff, it's not very flexible and is very dry. In essence, it can serve some purpose, however, not in the way that it was originally intended thus is will never fully come alive!

NOW, take that same sponge and SUBMERGE IT! Notice a difference? When surrounded by that body of water that not only allows survive, but thrive, you'll notice that its color brightens, it becomes fuller in appearance, it's weightier, it's stronger, and at the depths of the ocean you can even see it dance as the currents gently guide it from side to side. Once it was immersed in that environment it became everything that it was meant to be... it was fully ALIVE!

God is trying to say in John 15 that in order for us to encompass this ABUNDANT life - the very life Jesus promised he had come to provide - we must place ourselves in the environment that will allow us to exist in the fullness in which we were created. Yes, we could get by without even touching the water, and yes we could even survive with partial-submersion. However, in order for us to THRIVE and achieve the life we're called live we have to place ourself in the court of our King - surround ourself with the hope of His promises; allow our lives, our stuff, our past, present, and future to be buried in Him. And in doing so we maybe able to one day look into the depths of our souls and see our "spongy" hearts dancing in the waves of his loving-kindness.

Blog Out

The PARABLE of Two Giants -- 2/29/08

2009-09-05T20:35:00.001-07:00

So I've been considering writing this note for a while in light of the political landscape. I felt compelled to illuminate this particular issue because it keeps coming up, but all in all I just found it a funny coincidence and wanted to make it a point of consideration!

So, we all recently experienced the wonder of Superbowl XLII, correct? If not I will remind you. It was the ever-praised and highly-skilled New England Patriots versus the less-favored and altogether popularly dismissed New York Giants (well dismissed by mostly those who weren't from New York). The Patriots were a well oiled gridiron machine coming off of a historical 16-0 undefeated "Perfect" season and not 1, not 2, but 3 Superbowl title wins within a seven year period. The team was, well... the "Ultimate Giant" of the NFL league.

And then there were the New York Giants who in many people's minds were anything but. They hadn't won a Superbowl since 1990, younger brother Eli Manning wafted in and out of the shadow of his widely heralded older brother Peyton who already commanded an audience having held the previous Superbowl win and MVP status... a tough act to follow especially when your team isn't the favorite. And yet, there they stood at the gates of promise with little else but a wing and prayer. All the Giants could do was come face to face with their "giant" and assure their fans of one thing: What they lacked in statistical backing they would make up for in fight! A true David and Goliath match up.

So the crowd and the players finally find themselves at the Univ. of Phoenix Stadium on the 3rd day February. Marked for insufferable failure were the NY Giants and for enamored success -the crowd favored Pats. I recall now having a conversation with 2 co-workers the week prior (as we had arranged a small wager) discussing the selections we had made. I found myself curious of motives and posed the question to them, "Why are you going for the Pats instead of the Giants?" The reply I received was nothing short of an NFL records book. I was told everything from the defensive advantage the Pats had over any other team in the league that season, to the elite unfailings of quarterback Tom Brady. Essentially what it all boiled down to was this, "Rodnesha... they have the experience and exposure that it takes to win. They have a record a mile long of not just winning but virtually flawless victories. Logically, statistically, and with evidenced certainty there's simply NO WAY they can loose and I look forward to getting my money on Monday!"

Of course the same question was posed to me - in an almost scathing manner - on how or why I could be so ignorant as to chose the Giants when they were up against such insurmountable odds. My reply, "Well, I don't know much about the Giants track record. I haven't been watching them all season, just the last few playoff games - as I am accustomed to doing around Superbowl time. But, in all honesty, I think that people are underestimating them. I mean no one thought they'd make it this far, but they did! They took out the anticipated Packers, didn't they? I just think there's more in them than people realize. I wouldn't be so quick to cast them aside just because they didn't have a 'flawless' season." We all agreed to disagree and then went on our separate ways.

So, game day arrives. I won't go into all the details of the game because if you watched it you saw that it was one of the most majestic displays of well... "overcome-ism" that has ever been witnessed in football. The most crucial play the Giants made will be forever etched in football memory as one of the most legendary crucible plays in the history of the game! That ladies and gentlemen is magic... no... faith.

You see, at the end of the day that's all we have amidst everything around us - faith. Every day we choose to place our faith in something be it ourselves, our leaders, our instructors, God, etc. Not one of us can guarantee what we'll experience from day to day. All we can do is take on what's placed before us, affect change over what we can, and have faith that something greater than ourselves will take care of the rest. I made a choice that Superbowl Sunday... same as any I'd make on any other day. I looked at statistics, facts, theories, superstitions, critical data and educated guesses; I waged them all against one another - but in the end... I just went with my gut -- Truth will out! I could no more overturn the events of that day in making that decision on who to throw my weight behind than I could if I went down and played the game myself! Yes, the Giants lacked experience; yes they were the underdog; perhaps they did have a death-wish. But the promise they held was clear enough to see and enough for me to believe in.

All this to say, whether you make your choice off of experience, rhetoric, or a warm-fuzzy feeling, it's your choice to make... but that is all. Nevertheless, make it and go with your gut! Support it and at the end of the day you deal with the consequences or rewards you reap from those choices - truth will out! No one knows or can guarantee who the victor will be or how your selected representative will hold up against their "Giant" of adversity when placed in the situation... you never know until you get there - until it happens. And sometimes you'll find that the bold, valient, and obviously trained warrior doesn't always win the day. Sometimes it's the over-looked, underestimated, and technically "underqualified" page with the heart of a lion that proves himself the True Giant!

(man I like parables... now I see why Jesus used them so much)

Two Men and a Lady (6/10/08)

2009-09-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

I saw two men today… two stories… two paths. Each one in his own way tugged on a part of my spirit without even realizing. Each left me with tears in my eyes.

A man about late 20's/early 30's came in with his young son, about 5 or so, and they were obviously having a good day. Both casually dressed and ready to sit down and eat. I glanced over to their table once or twice to catch a glimpse of how they interacted. It was my good fortune to look up and find the child in his seat, on his knees gazing into his father's eyes. And then a smile came, and his father winked, and his son was so filled with delight that he proceeded to make faces. Much to his father's enjoyment, he returned those same silly faces regardless of the possibility of appearing childlike and immature. It was adorable and sweet… completely intimate. I wanted to cry tears of joy at the pleasure of witnessing such a tender moment that wasn't contrived, and immensely loving.

I returned to my task and in my mind I thought, "Lord, I only hope that one day I'm fortunate enough to witness such an interaction from my own husband and child." I continued on with what I was doing only to steal another glance at a pair who just ended their meal. The father and son extended their hands across the table and gave each other a high-five! Such a common gesture I've often seen, but this time it had so much weight to it. I saw a father's affirmation of his child, and a child's total love and dependence on that definition from his father. Again, my thoughts turned inward and I prayed, "Jesus, help me see you this way. Help me to find my affirmation in you and nothing else, for only your validation can infuse me with such joy and security. Only you can allow me to feel free to be silly; be myself. Your face is ultimately the only face I want to gaze upon in complete reverence and adoration. "

A second man came across my line of sight in the middle of my first observation of the father and son. An older gentleman, perhaps in his late 30's/40's sitting at a table alone eating what looked like just another meal. His eyes roamed to and fro in front of him and aside, never back. He seemed distant, like his mind may have been elsewhere, but his body had him subject to routine. I prayed silently, "Jesus, I hope this man isn't living life as lonely as he seems to be right now. If so, I pray he feels your touch." It was only when he stood to grab a refill that I realized he had a handicap. His arm was bound to his side and his stride was interrupted by a limp. At that very moment I wished it hadn't been so. It was like throwing salt in an open wound; suddenly I felt sorrow for this man. Now I don't know him or his story, he could've been perfectly fine, he could even be saved, but in my spirit I just felt bereaved.

Within a few minutes I began thinking to myself, "What if?" What if I reached over to this man and offered to pray for him? What if I could offer to him God's healing hand through my faith? What if in the middle of Chick-fil-A a miracle occurred?! What if it didn't? What if I get his hopes up only to let him down when if his healing doesn't come? What if everyone looks at me expecting to see something and come away seeing nothing? If only my faith were stronger. With every passing thought I lost a moment… and with every moment lost looking inward, I looked up to find that the man was only a step away from the exit. Was it meant for me to speak a word into this man's life, maybe, but because of my insecurity he and I both lost an opportunity. "God, I wish I were more bold… I wish I had more confidence in Your ability to use me. God, I pray that in the future Your ability to minister through me won't be hindered by my avoidance."

Two men… one glance… one picture… one moment. A father's hope placed lovingly in the form and legacy of a son; my hope placed obediently and faithfully in the promises of the great I AM. A weary man's handicap brazenly apparent on his exterior, a part of him he can't deny or ignore; my handicap, though internal, is equally weighty and has just as much ability to cripple me from the inside out. In the end I realized this one concurrent truth, God we all need you! Whether it's to receive the blessings and promises that are "yes" and "amen" or to destroy the yokes and deceptions of the enemy, we need You to do it or it won't be done. I pray for both those men to know your comfort, your redemption, your touch and your unfailing love in all areas and aspects of their life.

I pray that I will come to know those same truths better.

Spasm--12/19/06

2009-09-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

Naturally it comes, movement through life;

Constant ebb and flow, muscles trained to go.

Suddenly... a spasm hits

An unexpected contortion;

A halt in forward motion triggered by

Fault? Cause and Effect? Karma? A misplaced step?

Or, perhaps, is it that

Part of the normalcy of life

Is having to be interrupted by the

Equally integral, yet, opposing forces of life?

Muscles trained by years of memory

Suddenly begin to seize and cramp.

A body frozen in time and space;

Not able to speak, not able to stand.

Only utterances of obvious pain

masked by the muscles attempt

to regain... the same...

Rhythm it once had.

In defiance, the muscle finds

Its only reliance in the strength

its memory retains... to push past the pain...

To move again.

But a cramp is a cramp and pain is pain,

And a spasm won't end until its run its course.

NOT because the muscles are trained

To do a certain thing and go a certain way.

Fortunately, for muscles

They're connected to a brain

That will recognize the degree

And imediacy of the pain.

One that won't allow its muscles

To stress or even move

Until adequate time has passed

And the spasm has worked itself through.

* Rodnesha K. Green *

Ecc. 3:1 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven

What Am I Listening For? --9/24/06

2009-09-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I'm listening for?

A scream, a whisper, a trembling floor?

The words of a minister warning me of the sinister

I don't know... but I'm listening.

I seek and search and think of You

and I pray it's You who will see me through.

Then there's people who say they hear your voice

Clearly guiding them to the right choice.

But my ears seem to be devoid... unsure, but I'm still listening.

So should I sit and wait around for some mysterious, prophetic sound?

Close my eyes and bow my head, clench my fists 'til they glow red.

What must I do that You will see I await Your all with expectancy.

Is it my lack of consistency?

Is my heart simply unwilling to receive?

But, it already has, so that's obviously a lie.

Then what is it that stands between you and I?

Whatever it is, I cast it astray

forget all the roles I think I should play.

I bare my soul to You, you see,

I realize it's just You and me.

I'll continue to ask to see Your face, feel Your presence, and receive Your grace.

So maybe I don't know what I'm listening for

What I know, if it's from You, I'll listen all the more.

~ Rodnesha Green 1/24/03

A Poem... (9/22/06)

2009-09-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

So it's virtually 11:30pm on Friday night, and I found myself wanting to write something. And I decided I wanted something a little more on the poetic end. So I elected to peruse my old journals and just post an old poem I had written some time back in the day. Anyway, here is one dated 10/1/04 (my birthday)! Apparently, this is how I was feeling Birthday 2004:

I see, inside of me, a sea of inactivity,

and know that there has got to be

an opal stone of promise lying deep within -

To guard against the that which

would rather have me feel condemned

For a past of falling headlong into sin, thus falling away from Him.

But as dawn breaks the horizon I rise with new sight

All anxieties fall away as I'm enveloped by His Light.

New mercies have awakened my soul

Because I gave Him total control

and now I give Him TOTAL PRAISE

My heart declares; my life resounds:

Your grace and mercy know NO bounds

And it is this that keeps my hands outstretched to Thee

Knowing in spite of it all - you will never forsake me.

~Happy 22nd Birthday

Our Greatest Fear - 9/15/06

2009-09-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

Okay this is not mine so I can't take any credit for it, but I'm sure many of you have heard bits and pieces of it in various movies like Coach Carter or Akeelah and the Bee (love BOTH movies!) Anyway, read it and if you feel like responding with your thoughts or feelings then respond. All I know is that I wish I had an ounce of the wisdom that this lady has. I mean if you think about it... this is really the key to mastering so many things. It's like Pastor Brett told me once. He mentioned the story of Peter walking on the water and how many people think that he started to sink because he lost faith in Jesus' ability to sustain him above the water. Brett basically said that he has a feeling it had more to do with Peter losing faith in himself or doubting that he was good enough to carry out such a miracle.

That totally resonated with me, because many times I totally believe God can do above and beyond, but it seems like the buck stops with me! For example,

"I believe God can perform mighty miracles and heal and save and move mountains and everything!! I just don't think He'll use me to do it?"

Get what I'm saying? Brett basically asked those of us who were there, "Do you believe that you could raise a man from the dead?" Most of us looked at him blankly like, "Yeah... and I believe I can fly too (scoff)." Then he was like, "Serioulsy, I believe if God wanted to use me for that then I could. A lot of times we hinder God not because we don't have faith in Him, but because we lack faith in ourselves." We think God can do exceedingly and abundantly, we just think it will be for everyone around us.

Quite honestly (and you'll see the line in the poem), my biggest fear is that there is untapped, immeasurable power that I could potentially attain. If God used me to raise a man from the dead... I'd be freaked out! I don't know about you, but that's just how I react! While very cool... also very scary! Potential is a scary thing because potential is kinda of immeasurable. When you think about it, the word is always given to some form of hope or change or faith in an outer force... it's unconditional in the sense that POTENTIAL is always present everywhere, and in everything!! Potential is limitless! A snowcluster sitting at the top of the hill as the POTENTIAL to be so much more than a cluster of small snow flurries! Given the right catalyst... it can be a larger snowball of great speed, a little more and it can turn into a massive avalance invoking other snow flurries around it join in its seismic movement!

So the question is... are we afraid of how massive our movement can be? Are we afraid it will surpass us; that it will move beyond us? Do we stop ourselves short of greatness because we fear we don't have what it takes to keep up with GREATNESS? Or are we forgetting that if God will's us to be great, that He will form and fashion us to fit what He wishes us to achieve. A snow flurry, a snow ball, and an avalanche are all 3 very distinctively different formations, each with a greater strength of force than the latter.

Okay here's the poem... enjoy!

Our Greatest Fear

Our deepest fear is NOT that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD!

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in EVERYONE.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

AS WE ARE LIBERATED FROM OUR OWN FEAR,
OUR PRESENCE AUTOMATICALLY LIBERATES OTHERS.

~by Marianne Williamson; famously quoted by Nelson Mandela

Walk Away (7/14/06)

2009-09-05T01:38:00.000-07:00

"I'm looking for attention, not another question, 'Should you stay or should you go?' Well if you don't have the answer why you still standing here... hey hey hey hey... just walk away."
~ Kelly Clarkson

Of course I've heard the song a million times before, but hearing it in my car this time took me back to a situation I'll never forget. The Date: July 7, 2006. The Scene: Spring, TX.

The Moment: ...Unforgettable.

So, I've made my way back home for the weekend after (hmmm...) 7 months, and I'm enjoying a nice, home-cooked meal with my family. All immediate members were present and accounted for: Dad, Mom, and sisters in tow - even my Granny was in town for the occasion. Now, for those of you who've never met my grandmother I must start by saying that she is QUITE the character! She's one of those blunt, unabashedly Holy-Ghost-Filled ladies with a an enormous amount of self-entitlement that she carries proudly everywhere she goes! God love her. * sigh *

So here we are, in the kitchen, done with our delicious meal and I decide to hang around by the bar to chat with my mom as she was washing dishes. While we talk I cut myself a good slab of ice cream cake (mmm mmm mmm!), meanwhile my grandmother casually makes her way back into the kitchen and sits down beside me at the bar. I take a second to acknowledge her presence... and I notice this sly smirk on her face. Not the kind that says, "I'm hiding something," or, "I know something you don't know." No. More like the kind that says, "I'm about to ask something highly invasive, personal and very likely embarassing... and there's really nothing you can do about it."

I realize this and I assess that at this stage of my life there can only be a few things that would trigger such a pompous disposition... none of which I wanted to address. So, I returned to my desert, which I had come to find a very timely source of comfort food! Then... the voice... that bellowing, inquisitive, down-right country voice of my senior matriarch speaks:

"So... TELL ME ABOUT THE MEN?!"

(I'm utilizing all caps because my grandmother is somewhat hard-of-hearing and for you to gain the full effect of her intonation I felt all caps would be appropriate)

As I feared, the worst scenario of them all had manifested... the "man" question. Obviously, this is not the first time I've been forced to reckon with this. In fact, I've had to address this inquisition (and similar versions thereof) from my parents, friends and just about every female relative I know. The reality is (...wait for it... wait) I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SINGLE!?! Your guess is as good as mine is what I wanted to say, and quite honestly I'm not exactly itching to get hitched right away. Despite my attempts to scour the city for prospect there just aren't any in sight (at least within my sights).

I digress. So here I am... in the kitchen... trapped! I look around to find my mother scurrying out the side exit - leaving me with the She-Wolf. "You're on your own! Ha HA!" (Gee... thanks mom). Listen readers, I don't know what your grandmother may be like, but mine... well, she's not the type to just let you walk away unscathed from a question like that! Why? Because you will NEVER... EVER hear the end of it! She will bring it up, again... and again... and again until you either give her the answer she wants or you shove pencil into your ear canal! She will remind you, faithfully, until you are blue in the face (and I'm Black people... that would take and awful lot of time to accomplish... and she's will make the time). So what was my response you ask? Simple. I looked up, expressionless, and uttered,

"... I'm sorry, what?!"

(Yes, my method of defense was total ambiguity)

Conversation Ensues:

"YOU KNOW... THE MEN! I WANNA KNOW ABOUT THE MEN?"

Given that my sidestep did not avert her efforts I figured I'd have to actually acknowledge her question

"What men, exactly? If by men you mean my guy friends then they're doing well as far as I know."
Yes! Playing dumb ought to do the trick, right?! No. Absolutely not... not when good ole granny can play tit-for-tat right back at ya.

"Well I know you have "FRIENDS" but I know there's GOT TO BE ONE that's... YOU KNOW... MORE THAN A "FRIEND"."

More than a friend?! YOU'RE KILLIN ME GRANNY!

At this point I've completely forgotten about my comfort food and nervously pontificated whether we had any spare muzzles lying around the house! I'm praying, "Jesus, I need a way out of this conversation... right now!" So my mind has shot from mild response to Rapid Fire! This woman wants an answer, and I either continue on this route til she "nods off" or I come up with a viable answer that she will have to accept. I'm thinking and all the while she continues to press me about "The Men" and "More-than-a-friend Friends" and so forth until finally I came with a response that could not be disputed:

"Granny... I don't know. I don't know why I don't have a guy who's 'more than a friend,' I don't know why there are no men floating around that I can just pick like an apple from a low-hanging branch. I guess the guys I know are just busy trying to get right and do what they need to do to get ready for a girl who's 'more than a friend.' Maybe he's not even in Austin, or Houston, or San Antonio, or TEXAS. I just don't know..."

(here's the clutch...)

"...I can't explain what I don't have control over."

.... and then... a brief moment of silence....

Her last words:

"WELL... I SUPPOSE SO. I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE, BEING 23 AND... BUT I SUPPOSE SO."

Older Post -- Stuck -- 5/26/06

2009-09-05T00:38:00.000-07:00

So here I am trying to seek God first, trying to steward the small things so I can inherit much more! But have you ever had a feeling that you're destined for so much and it just sits in the seat of your chest like a weight throbbing so badly that you just want to rip open your chest to make it stop?!

Was that too graphic? Allow me to explain:

As of now I am exactly one year post-grad, and as I reflect I often wonder if all four of those years were in some ways wasted. Although I know that no hurt, tear or year is ever wasted in God's sight, I have to admit my eyes don't see it the same way. I know God placed me at the University of Texas at Austin for many apparent reasons that were a saving grace to me, but at the same time, I went to class... after class... after class for 4 years faithfully at the blessing of my parents, but what do I have to show for it??

Now don't get me wrong, I can name a number of social, spiritual, and mental stabilizers that came of my undergrad years. I made awesome friends, I found out how to live for God and make him Lord over my life, I had some fun times and made great memories to carry with me forever. Nevertheless, I feel I learned no trade or skill aside from the trade people relations, and the skill of socialization... something that's good to know and not everyone has the grace to handle, but when you think about it... to me... it just seems so meaningless.

As I said above, class... after class... after class. I took all kinds of science, TONS of history, languages, cultural studies, a wee bit of math and what has stuck with me... NOTHING! Can I speak a lick of Spanish... no! Could I tutor anyone in math beyond multiplication... absolutely not! Do I have enough history or culture in me to even go on a game show like Jeopardy... maybe, but I don't think I'd win! So like I said, what was the point?!

I went to dinner with my mom and sister a few days back and we were talking about the show I'm in and theater stuff and then my sister looks over, worn and tired from a long day of travel (thus she tends to just let things slip out her mouth) and says, "If you like this stuff so much why didn't you just make it your major?" In my head I'm thinking... "Yeah, why didn't I?" Then I'm watching So You Think You Can Dance last night and the number one thing I heard the judges tell people they sent home was this, "It's obvious you have had no serious training or technical work." And so I think to myself, "Dude, how much would that suck to know you have such a great desire to do this one thing, you have innate desire and decent raw talent and the one thing that sends you home packing is... 'I'm sorry you wasted your time here, but you should have been using your earlier years to be honing in on your craft.'"

So naturally, that gets to me. But even with that aside, because I know God can move and raise up whomever he chooses to in due time, but how do you deal with the wait? How do you cope with the dry seasons? How do you tolerate the crappy job, and the sub par pay, and the aching to do more and be more than what you are right now?

Anyone? Anyone.

So if you couldn't tell it, yeah it's eating me up. I'm mean it's not even just not being able to make acting and the arts my career and sole source of income, but it's lots of things: It's wanting to travel all over - further than Lake Travis or The Riverwalk. It's wanting to have a job that really moves you, where you feel like your making a difference in someone's life beside your own. It's having all that regret that you NEVER spoke up SOONER or LOUDER about your desires. It's realizing that, "Hey, that's life and that's the past, and there's nothing you can do to change that"

And that, my friends... is what sucks the most!

Every time I watch a movie, or see a play I'm thinking to myself, "Will I ever get there? Is that even my destiny?" I'm really starting to question it? I guess my fear is that my future would contain a stream of un-fulfilling, passionless jobs that go from sucky to way sucky! To be real, yes, I have fear, I have doubts, I have concerns, and sometimes, I can't bring myself to a resolution on them. I don't always find a peace about it. And, yes, I have to FORCE myself to turn to God and not my present condition because it is overwhelming.

For now, God is having me wait, and maybe it's the control freak in me, but it's driving me nuts! I have to remind myself of all the Kings of Judah mentioned in 2 Chronicles and I remind myself that of all those Kings, only a few were truly great and succeeded, and for those few it always said that they either "honored God with their whole heart," or, "consulted God in all that they did and He gave them success."

So this is all I have to hold on to... and so I press on.

Pressin aint easy! (a lesson that can be easily learned by tryin to do so with one's kinky hair!)

Blog Out!

Older Post -- Small Revelation -- 4/5/06

2009-09-04T23:38:00.000-07:00

So as I was leaving the bathroom at work today and I almost walked out without washing my hands! Gross, I know. My sudden realization led me back to the sink to complete the task I nearly neglected.

As I was washing my hands I thought, "Geez, I don't see how anyone can walk out the bathroom without washing their hands. It's so gross!" In my mind that person should, if nothing else, be thinking of the next person coming after them that has to touch what they "left behind".

My thought continues, "The only reason I could think a person wouldn't wash their hands is because they must not think they need to be washed. They must think they don't do anything that would have soil their hands and thus perpetuating the belief that they do not need to wash them."

Then God was like... "Ahhh-haaaa"
Then I was like...."Oooooh!"

The point... I caught a small but relevant picture about prayer and time with God. Something I've always known in the back of my mind but now had something tangible to relate it. You see, I don't know about you, but sometimes when I get up and get ready to start my day, I just go. I don't always take the time to stop and get in the Word or pray for myself, my day, my job, or others around me. If nothing else I should AT LEAST be praying for the people I work with, or even the atmosphere of the workplace that day as I may incur stress from life's everyday occurrences. Sometimes, if my morning doesn't just start jacked up, I just... go.

You get it?

The decision to not make a concious effort to do these things is, to me, the exact same error as a person bypassing the sink and choosing not to wash their hands. To simply go out the door and go on about my business without either of these efforts is unsanitary and unwise. The reality is, in either case, that I'm not only playing roulette with my own health, but I'm clearly not thinking about the people I may come in contact with, or the situations I may face as a result of me not taking the time to consider this: What if I'm not as clean as I think? What if I really do need to "wash my hands".

(Are you trackin with me?)

So all I'm saying is, sometimes we may not think we need it; we may not think our "hands" have touched anything vile or in turn that our minds have in any way been defiled by some unsanitary source. But, the reality is that just by being in that environment (the bathroom stall/aka life on earth) you are automatically defiled. You may not THINK so, but YOU ARE. That's life! It's dirty and it will dirty you. Does this mean you must become what you behold? No. That is why there is a source amongst the grime for washing/cleansing/renewing!

Main Idea: Don't just walk past the sink assumeing you are safe or somehow naturally impervious to catching germs. I'm here to tell you that you're not - naturally or spiritually. Our lives, attitudes and dispositions are innately prone to being affected by what we surround ourselves with and infectious in the presence of others. If we don't take the proper precautions to cover ourselves daily we make ourselves vulnerable to attack as and can inadvertently contaminate the immune system of others.

So let's all take a memo from this story: Wash your hands every time you step out of a bathroom and bathe your mind every day in the water of the Word. Just because you don't think about it by default doesn't excuse you from having to do it. Your negating its importance doesn't detract from its relevance and necessity. Here is where DISCIPLINE comes in to play. Just like one's parents SHOULD teach and train their child to wash their hands when they go to the bathroom, so should we practice the art of daily devotion. You have to command your mind, heart and emotions to do it until it becomes second nature. We must do this because it is the only sure-fire way God offers us that can truly protect ourselves and guard others from the things that can pollute our lives and turn our hearts wayward.

Let's all stop at the sink of Christ and dip our hands in. Let's pour on the soap of the Holy Spirit and allow it to cleanse us. Let's dry ourselves in the paper towels of the Word and make sure we are ready and blotted in truth so that our watery grace doesn't ward anyone away. Let's enjoy being clean and take comfort in knowing that we are "anti-viral", "anti-bacterial" and assured that the only thing we are spreading is a right spirit and renewed mind!

P.S. You know what doctors say is the best way to prevent the spread of the Flu during it's peak seasons... by WASHING YOUR HANDS. So spiritual stuff aside, people PLEASE wash your hands. It's just... not... right.... not to.